Oucho Cinco

You remember him as Chad Johnson when he first showed up as an excellent wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals.  His ego and sense of showmanship were such that he became famous for making amazing catches on the field but also for stunts such as using a goal-line marker as a "putter" and playing golf with the football after a touchdown, and putting on a fake NFL Hall of Fame yellow jacket after another score.

He was a showman, all right, more than a scholar.  He decided to play on his uniform number (85) and call himself "Ochocinco," which means eight-five in Spanish.  ("85" would be "ochenta y cinco.") For the love of Pete, or Pedro, he even changed his name legally to Chad Ochocinco.

As always happens, the league smiled while he was a productive, capable player, and after he wore out his welcome in Cincinnati, he played a year for New England, and then was all set to play for Miami last year, until he was arrested for headbutting his wife, and that was the end of his playing days for now.

But he always finds a way to stay in the news, right in the public eye.  This latest, from yesterday, is not so good, though.

Still dealing with the domestic violence charges involving his now-ex-wife, Evelyn Lozada, old #85 failed to show up for a meeting with his probation officer last month and was taken to court to answer for that.  During the hearing, he did what seems to come naturally to football players: he patted a guy on his team right on the left buttock.  But this was not an offensive lineman who had cleared the way for Chad to score; this was his attorney, Adam Swickle, who got the butt tap.

Her Honor, Judge Kathleen McHugh, was not amused.  The judge refused to take a plea deal that would have seen him doing community service and more anger management counseling. Nope.  She put him in the Ironbar Hilton for 30 days in jail and added three months onto his one-year probation, which now will run until December.

He won't be the first, nor the last, to realize that what seems so doggone adorable while you're on top of your profession is something you go to jail for when you're finished.

Birk's Law

Last week the Baltimore Ravens, winners of the Super Bowl, went to the White House for what is a truly great part of the American sporting scene.  The winners of major championships get to meet the president and present him with a commemorative special jersey.

Similarly, winners of NASCAR races are invited to drive past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and honk their horns.

There's no word on whether or not President Obama stayed up fretting over the absence of erstwhile Ravens center Matt Birk, who retired after the past season.  Birk complained that he couldn't bring himself to attend, because,  "I would say this -- I would say that I have great respect for the office of the presidency, but about five or six weeks ago, our president made a comment in a speech and he said, 'God bless Planned Parenthood."

A Harvard graduate(!), Birk didn't seem to learn much at that fine institution.  One thing that paying attention in college would have taught him would be to verify things before parroting the wrong thing that you heard all wrong.  Because, here is what the president said, at a Planned Parenthood meeting:

“Thank you, Planned Parenthood. God bless you. God bless America."

That's a little bit different.  Of course he thanked Planned Parenthood.  He was there speaking to their membership, not promoting their cause.

Birk has every right to protest as he sees fit, and from the looks of things, no one on the team was devastated by his absence.  He is active in the anti-abortion movement, and he is entitled to that action, but here is where it gets interesting to me.

Children will say, "I'm not playing with Johnny because he likes the Jets" or something childish like that.  As adults, we tend not to avoid contact with other adults simply because we differ in philosophy with them.

Birk had a lot to say last year when the Maryland Legislature was considering (and passing) a law making same-sex marriage legal here in the Free State.  Notice that he managed to keep showing up every day, practicing and playing alongside  Brendon Ayanbadejo, a linebacker who took an active stance in favor of gay marriage.

So. Matt Birk, as long as people are paying you millions of dollars to play a game, you can associate with people with whom you disagree, but when the chance comes to shake the hand of the president of the United States and represent your former team and former home town, you demur, choosing to make some point?

Enjoy your retirement.  Try to grow up a little.

Sunday rerun: 'Ello! I'm Ron Weasley!

Baltimore only has one remaining big-screen old-fashioned movie theater.  It's called the Senator Theater, and it's not far from the county line, so I've been there a number of times.  I'd estimate that number at 37.  You can read here about the previous owner of the place and his quixotic struggles to keep owning the place.  Whatever it is, the theater is still open, and the other night they had the midnight showing of "Harry Potter and the Deadly Boredom II," or something like that.  

I recall a night in 1972 when I got up off a stool at Souris's Tavern and went to a midnight showing of "The Godfather" along with a couple of my buddies, and it was fun.  I hope that everyone who went to see "Harry Potter and the Half-Ass Prince" enjoyed it nearly that much, although they probably couldn't have, given the absence of scenes like Michael Corleone coming out of the men's room at the pasta restaurant with more than a noodle in his hand, and the absence of characters with names such as Luca Brasi and Khartoum The Wonder Horse, whose role was brief, but heady. 

Outside of mime, modern art, modern dancing and Sarah Palin, there aren't many forms of entertainment that I apprehend less than "Harry Potter: Gobblin' Fire."  It's been interesting to see this phenomenon grow over the years.  People who never liked to read began reading Potter books, and many of them continued to read until they read ALL the Potter books.  Before she started writing these fantasies, J.K. Rowling was on British welfare, which I believe means she would get a ticket good for a pint of beer and a blood-pudding sandwich once a week, along with subway fare to see the Queen ride by in a horse-drawn carriage with Camilla Parker Bowles leading the procession.  Now she is the richest woman - maybe the richest person - in England because of the book money and movie money. 

And we've all enjoyed seeing the cast grow up to be fine young adults.  Emma Watson, who has played the part of "Emma Watson" in all 118 HP movies, is attending college here in the US and hopes to be in more movies.  Daniel Radcliffe has shown acting talents far beyond wearing goofy glasses and is currently appearing on Broadway.  Rupert Grint is currently seeing his worldwide media empire crumble in a sea of lies, tapped phones and prevarication...oh wait, that's Rupert Murdoch.  There is no person named Rupert Grint.

Ten years from now, let's see if Pottermania is still in vogue.  I'd hate to see that they decide to do one of those "reunion" pictures, but if they do, I hope it will be called "Harry Potter and the AARP Membership Commercial."

Saturday rerun: Pencils Down!

This fellow Mr Fifty Cent  (I knew him when he didn't have two nickels to rub together) had a song called "21 Questions" and it made me think of 21 of my own.

1. How come in the movie "Arthur" with Dudley Moore, no one asked how come a rich New York playboy spoke with an English accent?
2. Who would play the part of "you" in a Lifetime TV Movie of the Week? 
3. How long are you willing to wait in a restaurant for a table?
4. ref #3...Would you stick around even if I told the hostess my last name is Donner so that she would later call out,"Donner..Party of 6!"
5. How do you think it felt to be the first person who ever ate a raw oyster?  Remember - they probably didn't have cocktail sauce then!
6. How is it that people will spend thousands of dollars to go to HotAsHell Florida to visit an amusement park based on the adventures of a mouse, yet they freak out if they see a mouse darting around in their yard?
7. Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to put a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground? How restful is that for a baby?
8. Do you agree with Michael Kelso's statement that "Canadians don't have time to generalize about people because they're too busy drinking beer, playing hockey and putting maple syrup on their pancakes"?
9. Do you notice how much different things were over a ten-year period than they are lately?  As in, look at how people dressed and what kind of music was popular in 1952, and compare that with 1962. But people still dress the same in 2012 as they did in 2002.  Wha' happen'?
10. If you were a celebrity, would you sign autographs for everyone who mobbed you at dinner?
11. Did you ever go on a date with someone you were sure was going to be dull as dishwater, only to find them scintillating?
12. Did you ever go on a date with someone you were sure was going to be scintillating, only to find them dull as dishwater?
13. Do you hate it when a person makes up questions and simply reverses the thesis of one to create another?
14. Do you like it when when a person makes up questions and simply reverses the thesis of one to create another?
15. Are you in touch with your inner child?
16. Can you remember to pick up a bottle of milk on the way home, or do you need to write a note?
17. What is it about some people, anyway?
18. Would you swap 10 years of your life to be really rich or really famous or really good-looking?
19. Have you ever felt like you were having deja vu for the second time?
20. If you could know your exact day of death, would you want to find out?
21. Who has ever seen a ball of wax? Why do we refer to "the whole ball of wax"?  Who wants a ball of wax to begin with?

Please send your answers before tomorrow night.

69 years later

Yesterday was June 6.  The 69th anniversary of the D-Day invasion at Normandy in World War II.  I spent the day thinking about how if must have felt to be on one of the landing craft or parachuting into a beach full of enemies shooting everything they had at the invaders.

That was your view as you disembarked and headed for the beach.  Thousands of soldiers were brought to the battle, thousands are buried there, hundreds came home wounded for life.  

It seems like so little to say it this way, but what this meant was, if this invasion had failed (and General Eisenhower had a message all written in advance to be read if that happened) and the war had been subsequently lost, our freedoms and everything else the Revolutionary soldiers fought and won for us would have been lost, and we would have gone under the despotic rule of the Hitlers and the rest of that awful crowd.

I've shared this before but with D Day on my mind, it came to me again.  As a child, most of my peers had fathers who had been in the war.  That's why we were called the Baby Boomers, folks!  Our fathers came home from the Army, Navy, Marine, what have you, and got married and got busy having kids.  

But one of my father's friends was a very quiet man.  He never said much, and my folks said that he had not sought advancement in his work, preferring a simple job with few responsibilities and a basic pay grade.  Oh, he had his family and his home and kids and so forth, but he always seemed to hold back just a little from things.  At parties or gatherings, he stayed quiet, didn't join in much.  Everyone said he could have done this or joined that or gone there or said more.

I wonder how many of those people knew then what I didn't learn until after the man died...that he had been a huge war hero, and was saluted for bravery during one of the most hellish stretches of the invasion.  

Once I knew that, I also knew two other things:  one, that I wish I had known sooner about what he did for us, so I could have passed along my thanks, even as a dumb kid, for his part in saving us.  But also, I came to understand why he held back, why he didn't get involved.  

Maybe he was so glad just to be here, back safe on soil he saved from Hitler, that being here was just enough.

Where do our comedies come from?

Sometimes, the really great sitcoms on TV come out of the really good sitcoms on TV.

One example would be "W!," the laff-a-minute hilarity on FOX from 2001-2009. It featured the antics of "Dubya Junior," who portrayed a lovable rube who rose to a high office through some sort of damned mixup. Very little is remembered about that show. It was like laughing about a breeze that momentarily tickled you, but later, didn't seem all that funny at all.

The genesis for that show was the old "George and Bar" show, which was cancelled after four years on the Retirement Living Channel.  That was a show about a man married to a woman that everyone kept taking for his mother, and his hilarious attempts to blend in with normal people by buying sox at a KMart (but not having a wallet) and having dinner with Japanese diplomats (but immediately thereafter doing the technicolor yawn.)  George tried to hold onto a job that he was given by his friend Ronald, who used to play cowboys in the movies, but he made promises that he couldn't keep, one of which was the time that people from the Lone Star State tried to form a new state, but he stood firmly in opposition, famously stating, "Read my lips!  No New Texas!"

Then there was "Frasier," which took the self-absorbed psychiatrist from the old "Cheers" show and placed him in Seattle, and gave him a normal dad, a self-absorbed brother psychiatrist, and a radio show.

I wondered for years what was the deal with the closing theme to that show..."Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs."  It turns out that it's all about Dr Frasier Crane's efforts to deal with his patient/callers, whose thoughts are tossed like salads and scrambled like eggs until they are out of their heads. You can read about it here!

But even now, I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.  Once I hear that song, I can't get it out of my head!

Read all about it

It doesn't cost much to have a newspaper delivered right to the house, and I get a huge amount of enjoyment out of reading The Baltimore Sun, a fresh copy of which gets tossed onto our yard out of a speeding auto every morning at about 0530 hrs.  

In just one Sunday edition from June 2, I learned the following information which stunned me:


 - - Morning news anchor Patrice Sanders of local FOX affiliate WBFF TV got into a set-to with Dr Andres Alonso, the hapless outgoing boss of the Baltimore City School Board.  The interview concerned an audit that revealed that millions of dollars in tax money given to the remarkably inefficient city school system had been wasted.  In other words, Ms Sanders was asking why school buildings are unrepaired and students are unprepared while 28 parents in some sort of PTA program chowed down on fried chicken and potato salad at a price of $99 per person.  Dr Alonso, unable to cite a single positive aspect of his woeful stewardship of the schools, argued that Sanders was using "dog whistle terms," but he failed to explain how anyone could spend 99 bucks on a chicken dinner. No mention was even made of the insanity of spending that much on a chicken dinner, or pheasant under glass, or Chateaubriand or filet mignon or giant prawns. But he got all out of joint about it.    

  - -  Then I breezed over to the sports pages, where I read that the three or four stupidest thieves in America are the dimwits who attempted to steal a truck belonging to Mr. Mike Adams.  Adams is an offensive lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and even though he was stabbed in the fracas, the sight of his 6' 7", 323-lb. form running toward the crooks must have had at least one of them committing an act of involuntary defecation.  


 - -I don't know what you do for a living, nor do I even guess as to what you earn for doing it, but I read on the same page that baseball's disgraced all-time hits leader, Pete Rose, banned for life from the game for betting on the game, earns more than a million dollars per year for signing his name on things.  For that million dollars, Rose could come to Baltimore and purchase 10,101 fried chicken dinners!

Civil rites

You know things are going crazy when the conservatives turn on John McCain.

I guess I'm out of touch, because I thought we had advanced a little bit in this country and had got to a point at which we allow other people to marry whomever they wish.

By the way, just yesterday a friend put a very clever posting on Facebook .  She said that she was in Subway, in line to order, and the guy ahead of her ordered a sub for his lunch that she did not like.  She wondered if she had the right to holler out and tell the dude to change his order, and compared the situation to the opposition to same-sex marriage.

But you would think that a big shot like John McCain - a US Senator from Arizona, former POW, rich guy who married a beer baron's daughter - would be able to post pictures on his facebook page of his son's wedding.  I mean, what's it to any of us whom young Jack McCain marries?  He's 27, a member of the Air Force Reserve, and he married he met in Guam while serving.

But...apparently the lovely bride is not WHITE enough for some people.  Read the comments and see what people say...it's awful.  "Is she black?"  "No wonder McCain crawled into bed with Obama."

Really?

The comments are all there, in black and white, ironically enough, for us to read and gag on.  It's a reminder that there are people in this world so filled with hatred, so deeply stilled in prejudice, so full of anger and jealousy and envy and I don't know what-all else that they have to sit and type nasty messages on the Facebook page of Senator McCain because of the skin pigmentation of the woman his son chose to marry.

In Sammy Davis, Jr's autobiography, "Yes I Can" the great SD describes a scene that occurred while he was dating Kim Novak.  They had to resort to disguises and hideouts in order to see each other, and one night, hidden in the back of a limousine on his way to meet Kim, Sammy saw a wizened, grizzled old white guy who had fallen on tough times and was panhandling on a corner.  Sammy came to the sad realization that even though this guy's station in life was a sad one, at least he was a Caucasian, and so would have been suitable company to be seen in public with Kim Novak.

But that all took place in like 1956 or something.  Here we are in 2013, and there is a part of the population that says hate-filled things during a love-filled occasion.

Read them for yourself, on the senator's page, and see if you don't feel sort of sorry for a lot of people.  It's beyond awful.

Tornadic Activity

I feel bad about the deaths of the "stormchasers" out in Oklahoma. I mean, any death is tragic, certainly, and these men were out there with good intentions of reporting on the tornado and contributing to scientific research on those killer storms.  Mike Bettes, whom we've all seen on The Weather Channel, was tossed around along with his crew in their Storm Chaser vehicle that same Friday night, and later told the Today show that he felt weightless as the car was taken airborne by the wind, and feeling that he might be breathing his last earthly breaths.  Bettes says he's not sure he wants to get any closer to a raging storm than most people want to be to Ted Nugent, speaking of violent, uncontrolled forces with a lot of hot air involved.   

But it's none of my beeswax if people choose that path in life.  What I am shaking my head over is the debate that took place on Facebook on pages where the deaths were discussed.            And it wasn't just that so many people sitting at home or wherever positioned themselves as instant experts on the matter and expressed pure disdain over what anyone else said. This is known as the "I'm right and you're wrong" school of debate, even though the rightness of some of those participants was slightly besmirched by statements such as "you should do some resurch (sic) before you say anything."  

No, none of that was as bad as this one fellow, who had this to say to a fellow writer who said that maybe going out in a car and getting right in the middle of a raging tornado might be a trifle too risky:  "Why don't you do us all a favor and die in a fire?"   

And this was not the only vitriolic statement by any means.     I started reading these comments trying to figure out whether this stormchasing activity is worthwhile on balance.

I finished, not knowing how to feel about either stormchasing or a sizable segment of our fellow countrymen.

Sunday rerun: She must have been very mad

As Stewie would say..."here we go.........."

From NBC News:

ARBUTUS, Md. — Authorities in Maryland say two women threw bleach and another chemical on each other during a fight at a Walmart, prompting officials to evacuate the store for two hours and call in a hazardous materials team.

Fire officials say 19 people had to be taken to hospitals, although only one was thought to have serious injuries. That person was taken to the Wilmer Eye Institute with a potentially serious eye injury.

Fire officials were called to the store in the Baltimore suburb of Arbutus shortly before 11 a.m. Saturday.

Fire Department spokesman Glenn Blackwell says one person was arrested and charges are pending.

"This is obviously not the type of behavior we would expect from people at our stores. We apologize for any inconvenience this caused to our customers," Walmart officials said in a  statement.

This is the other end of the county from here,  but do you see what's going on?  Unwilling to rely on conventional weapons, this woman chose to wage chemical warfare on the new girl seen on the arm of her baby daddy, according to the police down there.  And not only did she toss bleach on her rival, she followed that with Pine-Sol, which contains ammonia, and every schoolkid knows, that's a combination that makes chlorine gas and other unpleasant reactions.

They had to evacuate the entire WalMart on a Saturday morning, causing moans to be heard from here to Bentonville, AR.

And then the bleach-bomber showed up at the police station, asking to take out a protective order to keep the victim from getting back at her!

Now I have to worry every time I go into a WalMart.  I can assure you, if you're looking for the guy who is stepping out with your baby momma, I am not the guy.  Among my manifold sins you will not find infidelity.

But there just might be those who would want to toss something unexpected on me in a huge megastore.  For their convenience, here is a list of things that I would accept as incoming liquid projectiles:

• Kozy Shack rice pudding is always nice.  Reminds me of diners.
• English Leather after shave.  It's all I ever use, after I shave.
• National Bohemian beer
• A homemade milkshake 
• Cole Slaw

Rice pudding!

So you see, there is no real need to toss hazardous chemicals at one another, when much more pleasant fluids can be flung. If you ever see much dashing out of a WalMart with bits of cole slaw trailing behind me, and smelling like I just shaved, please say hi! And I'll share the rice pudding.

Saturday rerun: This way and that

I'm one step away from being that guy who walks through the mall hollering about how the aliens are listening in to our cell phone calls, and we need to cover up our melons with Reynolds Wrap to shield ourselves from the alpha-beta rays that the Martians are beaming down upon us like confetti.

What I currently am is the guy who talks back to the television like Kevin Bacon watching the GE College Bowl - just not quite so smart as he.  I also participate while watching The Price Is Right, Good Morning America, and Pee Wee's Playhouse.

But I used to get into hellacious arguments with the lady who does the voice on our GPS in the car.  She had a snide way of talking.  First, she sounded like, "Oh, so you don't know how to get there?" and then amplified that point by instructing me how to leave my own garage and driveway and get to the main street.

I got that covered, Honeybunch.

But oh!  just screw up once and she'd be all over me like Oprah on a baked ham.  If I missed a turn and wound up on another street, she'd barge right in and get this tone like "So you think you know better than the GPS Lady?  And now you're lost, Mr Smarty Pants.  Pay attention and I will guide you once again to your stupid destination, where the people really don't want to see you anyway!"

And then I'd go, "Well, at least I'm going places and you're sitting there in my phone!"

And then people in the other cars would start looking at me askance, as would the people in my car.

But last week we were away and I needed help getting to some Amish smorgasbord, so I GPS'ed and found a new lady on the other end.  This new voice is totally an improvement, she pronounces street names more correctly, and so far she has not run me an attitude at all, so we're happy together.

The honeymoon period is always the sweetest.

Photo challenge: 5 things

The photo challenge for the month of May wraps up today by asking for pictures of "5 things."  5 what things?  They leave it open, and so I settled on pictures of 5 things that I always make sure I have on hand anywhere - at home, or in the truck when I am out and about.  With these 5 things, I can pretty much get by, and fix anything, or at least patch things up temporarily...

If you have a bottle of water on hand, you will be glad.  Trust me.  Keep several, and keep an empty bottle such as a 1/2 gallon milk container handy too, if you think there is a chance you might get stuck on the interstate for 4 hours one evening when a sudden sleet storm locks up traffic for miles around and you're in the car wishing you hadn't had that cup of coffee right before you left the office.

There's an old saying, "Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot cure" and the corollary is that there are doggone few things in life that can't be at least temporarily fixed with duct tape.  Everyone knows that, but not everyone remembers to throw a roll in the trunk.

 With a Leatherman tool, you have about all the blades, pliers and screwdrivers you'd need to make snappy repairs.  Also, they are handy for when you buy a CD and you have to perform surgery to open the packaging so you can hear the music!

 When Marge Simpson asked Bart who George Washington Carver was, Bart got it wrong by answering, "The guy who cut up George Washington."  Mr Carver was the man who determined that a pound of peanuts packs more protein than a pound of steak.  Have some in the car for a protein-packed snackeroo and never go hungry!

You need WD40 for several hundred reasons.  A good starter list is here on the net.  But remember - if you held part of your car together with duct tape and later get things fixed right, the WD will take away the goo left behind by the tape!




These five things are things you'll be glad you have someday.  Trust me!  See you tomorrow!

Photo challenge: stranger

OK, first of all, strangers don't like having their pictures taken. So unless you're planning on submitting something to Peopleofwalmart, you're better off not snapping snapshots of people as they go about their business.

Will Rogers, 1879-1935

And: what is a stranger?  I have always held with Will Rogers on that.  Will was an interesting fellow, whose lifetime spanned the wild west of the late 19th Century into radio and movie stardom in the 20th.  He was born before the invention of the airplane, and he was killed in a plane crash in Alaska in 1935.  He was a vaudeville performer, skilled with lasso tricks which he would spin while telling jokes and making observations such as, "I don't belong to any organized political party.  I'm a Democrat."

But he also said, "A stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet."  And I like that.  Many people who know me today are friends because I barged right up and started talking to them.

Of course, many people heard me talking to them and then ran as far and as fast as their legs could carry them.  But hey! I love people, I love having friends, and thanks for being one!

Photo challenge: Television

I have so many thoughts about television.  It can be informative (the news), educational (Sesame Street), entertaining (sports events and comedies) and just downright dumb (most of those reality shows.)

Which doesn't mean to say that a person is dumb for watching them, any more than a person is smart just by watching the news.  It's just that I feel I have so much more to do in life than to watch the Kardashians dashing about.

Bill Watterson, who drew the great Calvin and Hobbes comic, did not have much use for TV:

But then

Photo challenge: What I'm doing now!

Well-ell.............what I'm doing right now is rehabbing my re-replaced knee.  The surgery was three weeks ago yesterday, so  I am coming along, as the medical staff says.  I don't look any the worse for wear, they tell me.

I am trying to get back to looking like this photo.  This was an Xray of the original replaced knee, but then it went bad and was within a few months of totally coming undone, which is not what you want to happen when you're walking through the mall trying to get to Sears while they still have those T-shirts on sale.

When the dust all settles and I have a more recent Xray to show you, I will be glad to share it.  For now, this is sorta kinda what my left leg looks like and I'm happy that the great Dr Ron Delanois repaired me, like an old workhorse that might be good for another few seasons pulling the plow.

Photo challenge: I can't live without

It seems a little bit odd to be saying, "Happy Memorial Day!"  because the day is meant more for solemn reflection than for big sales on used Chevrolets and for paying respect to those who selflessly laid down their lives in battle to keep our nation free.

If rug dealers and big box electronics merchants want to capitalize and make some extra money off the patriotic angle,  they can explain that to their children and families.  To each his or her own.

My Dad served in the Navy in World War II and came home, met my mother, and contributed to the baby boom.  But before all this, Mom had been all set to marry another guy, but he was killed when his bomber was shot down.  She never talked much about him, but it had to be horrible, and then to think of that scene being repeated in home after home, all across America and the world.  Peggy's Dad was in the Army, same war, and came home to marry Peggy's mom, and then Peggy and I met up and found our way to persistent bliss for almost 40 years now because our country did not roll over to the Germans and the Japanese and the Italians - the tripartite Axis that threatened to end the free world as we knew it, then and now.

Their legacy to us was our freedom.  The price can be seen here at Arlington.  These are men and women without whom we just could not live as we do.

Photo challenge: Something that makes me smile

When I saw this challenge, of course I thought right of Peggy.  Without question, it is my wife who makes me smile more than anything else.  But rather than turn the blog into more of an embarrassing paean to the magnificent Peggy, I thought I'd talk about someone who also brings a smile to this craggy face of mine.

Born Philip John Clapp in Knoxville, Tennessee, Johnny Knoxville is the creator of the show most often regarded as "America's gift to world culture."  That show, which began on MTV and is now preparing its fourth in a series of movies that expand and deepen the way we look at life and how we can improve the ways we live it, is called -ironically - "Jackass."

"Jackass" is usually described as "an ensemble comedy in which the latest trends in literature, drama, poetry, expressionistic art, and music ranging from the classics of Wagner to the Gregorian chants of the nobleman Sir Mix A. Lot are discussed and held to the prism of our national gestalt."

And then, they put a blindfold on Knoxville and lead him into a bull's corral.  In this memorable sequence, of course, Knoxville's red shirt serves to infuriate the bull, who represents the spirit of evil that lurks in our world, often against our better wishes.  Knoxville lights a cigarette to indicate that he has no fear of death, and yet, death lurks around every corner, as we have been taught by Grandpa Simpson. The bull's actions are predictable; he has no compunction about re-claiming his territory.  Knoxville is able to demonstrate an ability to keep calm under pressure and even shows a previously-unseen talent for backflips.

I know that some regard this show as simply daredevil stunts by men who should know better.  Now that you have come to see it as more of a comment on international diplomacy, please come over to the house and we can watch all of the movies all day long!

Until Peggy gets home.

Photo challenge: Lyrics

He's not the important figure in musical culture that he once was, but when I am asked to specify something about lyrics, I point to Bob Dylan, and then have to decide which of his songs -  among the hundreds he has written  - to talk about.

Never cared much for the shirt, but Triumph
Motorcyles were made right up the road from
here in Timonium, MD!

1965's album "Highway 61 Revisited" marked Dylan's passage from nothing but acoustic folk to almost nothing acoustic at all.  Of course, folk purists screamed bloody murder, but Bob was moving along with the times, which he had already told everyone were a-changin'.  The capper for the album was the long, long story song "Desolation Row," which, while minimally accompanied, still stood more in the rock pile than, say, something by the Kingston Trio.

Speaking of the instruments on this song, that Mexican-style fingerpicked guitar was done by Charlie McCoy, who would go on to play harmonica on about 75% of the country hits coming out of Nashville in the 70s and 80s.

If you don't know this song, never heard it before, I urge you to click on this link and check it out on Vimeo.  The lyrics will roll on the screen as you listen, but this is not karaoke material.  What it is, is thinking material.  Lovers of poetry can read this verse over and over, marvelling at the man's ability to string words together:

Between the windows of the sea
Where lovely mermaids flow
And nobody has to think too much
About desolation row

 
And for those who study their history, especially all that happened in the 60s, how about asking the passengers on the Titanic which side they're on?  It was during the turbulent 60s that everyone started choosing sides ("Love it or leave it!" vs. "Change it or lose it!") and after all, did it matter to the people of the Titanic which side of anything they were on, just a few days into their cruise?

This is why Dylan's lyrics were more like poetry.  

Photo challenge: Dream Vacation

Today we are asked to show pictures of our dream vacation.  I'm always ready for this one!  I have rolled it over so many times, and yet the people at Powerball refuse to give me the money I so clearly deserve.

BUT!  When they back up the Brink's truck to my door and start tossing huge bags filled with greenbacks into my garage, I want to be able to tell Sam and Nancy next door where to forward any important mail!

First stop will be the place where we take a week in August to get a little sun on the beach.  Cape May, NJ, the beach town that is like Mayberry With An Ocean.  We could stay there for a couple of weeks...

Palmer, Weaver, Murray, Ripken

...and then we would head up to Cooperstown, New York, to take in the Baseball Hall of Fame.  These Orioles are enshrined there and I would love to see their plaques and exhibits.

Brooks, Anderson, Wagoner and Dickens

Pausing only briefly here at the Lazy 'C' Ranch, to do some laundry and sleep in our own bed for a few nights, we would then pack that fresh laundry and take off for Nashville, to see a show of the Grand Ole Opry.  They still trot "Little" Jimmy Dickens out most nights and I don't think I would want to go to heaven and not be able to say, "Oh yes, Little Jimmy...been into him for years, and we just saw him in '13 at the Opry!

Then we'd leave the USA for two weeks so that Peggy could get to see France.  As it happens, I am in very tight with their queen, so she could get me a deal on one of those 5' loaves of bread, and a beret, the one hat in the world that accomplishes nothing in terms of sunshade for ears and backs of necks. I guess I could fill it with crepes and just mainly hang around the hotel lobby.

Photo challenge: PJs

Well, I always promised to be honest with you, and for this date, the photo challenge asks for a photo of my PJs.  Pajamas.  I think I wore them as a kid and I'm certain that the ones I wore back then had pictures of luminaries such as Hopalong Cassidy, Roy Rogers and Sandra Dee.

But it seems to me that any time I see surveillance photos of men running down the street with their pants in their hands, they are not wearing pajamas at all, but some combination of "underwears" (as Filly Giove  >>>from Jerseylicious would say.)

I always figure one of these designs
must be the family tartan!

Circumstances like that never arise for me.  I do keep my jeans hanging up in the dressing room in case that 2:47 AM phone call comes in and I need to scoot.  Otherwise, once I retire for the evening, you may count on me to be clad in a    T- shirt and boxer shorts.  Plaid.   No pajamas, no velvet smoking jacket or silk robe.

I said I'd be honest.  I never said I'd be elegant!

Photo challenge: Change

This is just what it appears to be - a peanut butter jar filled with change.  Peggy and I scoop out excess change and stash it away in the jar, and then, every few months, we take it to the Credit Union and cash it in, sending all these coins into the electric jaws of a coin-counting machine, which pays off 95% of what it takes in in cold hard green cash.

The only way to get more money out of it would be to count and roll all the coins and take them to the Credit Union, as if anyone has time for all that nonsense.  We usually get around 45 or 50 bucks, and if that ain't enough for a nice night at the diner, I don't know what is!

By the way, I do carry some change on me, so that when I buy something for $3.28, I can give the cashier a five spot along with a quarter and three pennies and get back two singles.  Now and then you hear about someone wanting to get rid of pennies, but hey! Used to be, you could get a pretzel stick or a single Mary Jane candy for that penny.

Used to be.

Photo challenge: I care

This is about a little dog we all cared for. Her name was Heidi, and she was my niece Laura's little miniature pinscher, or "min-pin" as the canine cognoscenti say.   We all loved Heidi.  She was the kind of dog who would come running to a friend, her spindly legs all flying about and her little claws skidding across the kitchen floor, coming to a halt  at your feet so she jump up on you, all full of doggie hugs and kisses.   She was so smart, she knew when she heard the car keys rattling that it was time to get in her little box or in the car or whatever.  We would take her for a walk, and the words "walk" and "outside" and "go" all were in her vocabulary, which was quite extensive for a dog. (Beside her native German, she was also fluent in English and the languages of Mexican, Italian and Asian carry-out shops.)

The end came all too soon for Heidi, at about 12 years or so.  But that sweet little spirit in her kept on right until the end. Even at her final ebb, she still snuggled and said goodbye in her special way.  I know I get all misty over her even today but I see her cavorting around making the other angels happy, so it's all good. 

Photo challenge: Music

Most of us got our first daily doses of music from hardworking, reliable and honest radio Djs.  It was always a thrill to me and millions of others to tune in a cheesy little plastic transistor radio and listen to the top 40 hits of the week, along with a five-minute newscast on the hour, ripped off the AP wire printer and read with heavy echo sound effects that made every story sound important.  And the commercials! For acne creams and drag strips and toothpaste and soft drinks and hamburgers and the whole cornucopia of products and services of interest to the fans of Sam The Sham and The Pharaohs.

  Incidentally, why did the word 'cheesy' come to connote 'meretricious'? I like cheese! We should say those radios were 'Brussels sprouts-y'!   

 Music just sounded better when delivered by a friendly voice and accompanied by jingles and sound effects and slogans, so that's why, when I think of music, I like to think of a disc jockey playing it for us.

Photo challenge: Favorite View

You don't have to know my very well to know my favorite view always includes my wonderful wife Peggy. It's not that we are one of those couples so joinedatthehip that they can't take two steps in separate directions.  We can. But then again, of late I have needed plenty of help - and a walker or a cane - to take any steps at all.
                                                                                                                                                                        There are two ways of helping a person; a helper can just do the minimum with a maximum of huffs and sighs, or a person can totally immerse his-or-herself into the tasks, the hundreds of daily tasks that need to be done in a person's daily life.  That's Peggy, and if I could find some better way to thank her, I will.  But for now, I want to say, I appreciate both the help and the selfless manner in which it is given!

Photo challenge: I want

I pondered today's challenge for a while, and I have to say, what I really want is for people to knock it the hell off and start getting along with each other.

But there is no way to picture that, unless you google "60's Love-In," so I'll just make the statement, that that is what I would really like.

As far as something material, there is something I had when I was a barefoot boy with cheek of tan that I would like to have another of...a suede fringed jacket.

Colossal.  I would love to have another one, especially if it had that candy-striped lining like Seinfeld had, in case I run into Lawrence Tierney.  And that hasn't been possible since 2002.

Hmm.  Now I think I want a fedora like the one Tierney is wearing.

Photo challenge: I bought this

Among the several thousand records, tapes and CDs I have bought (or otherwise acquired) over the years, there are a few that I have in just about every format.  Cheap Trick at Budokan came out as an album in 1979 and I just about wore the grooves off my copy, so I was glad when the music industry switched to cassettes for two weeks before CDs came along.  I bought the cassette and of course I bought the CD, and then they came along with this version in 1997, a recording that included songs left off the initial releases.  For a fan of the guitar work of Rick Nielsen, the bass of Tom Petersson, the vocal of Robin Zander and the drums of the man I rank right up with Keith Moon as #1 of all time, Bun E. Carlos, this is something that can be enjoyed time and again.

Here's a song from the concert that shows the band at their best. It's the old Fats Domino number, "Ain't That A Shame." Play it now and it will be stuck in your head all day.  And there are worse ways to go around than that!

Photo challenge: Family photo

This photo must look like what you get if you google "family photo."  Left to right, it's Kathy (Laura's mother), Peggy, yours truly, Jamie (Jay's wife), Russell (Laura's father), Laura (it was her birthday), her husband Drew (my nephew), Robin (my sister), Jay (my other nephew) and John, my brother-in-law.

Of course, there are kids not shown, and my mom is no condition to be making the party circuit, but this is the current lineup of people over 7 and under 87.

8 x 10 reprints are available in the lobby as you exit.

Photo challenge: everyday jewelry

It is very simple to get a good photo of all the everyday jewelry I wear every day.  There are but two items:  my wedding ring and a watch.

My wedding ring has been in place since 12/8/73 and that little band of gold represents everything that's good in my life.

The watches have come and gone, but trust me on this, I would sooner have a dozen Timex Ironman watches scattered around than one Rolex or whatever.  Sure, those high-class watches are nice to look at, and people will admire the man who can afford to wear one.  But they can't ask him much more than what time it is and what's the date, while we Timexers can, with the push of a button or two, time an event with a stopwatch, set a timer to wake ourselves from a nap, be reminded of important dates and occasions, have as many as three daily or weekly alarms set to remind us to do this or that, and see what time it is in another whole time zone.

All for less than 60 semolians, while you can spend $39, 250 for the men's Diamond ROLEX Oyster Watch Perpetual Day-Date model.  Just go see your local Rolex dealer!  They've already seen you coming!

Photo challenge: Best friend

I adore my wife Peggy in ways that I can't even think of enough words to describe.  I'm writing these blogs in advance because of going to the hospital for knee replacement replacement, and Peggy is going with me.

But she is taking care of every little detail and planning everything just so.  Of course, I'm not paying a bit of attention when the hospital people tell me what kind of socks to wear and when to shave and what meds not to take, because Peggy is there and she gets all that stuff right, allowing me to concentrate on packing New Yorker magazines and my various doodads for the three-day stay.

Every hour of every day since June 21, 1973, the beautiful woman pictured above has loved me completely, perfectly, and much more than I deserve.  Of course she's my best friend.  Even if I didn't love her, she'd still be someone I'd want to talk to every day.

Photo challenge: Someone I miss

I miss a lot of people.  But I have to say that my maternal grandfather, E. Joseph Schissler, is at the top of the list or very close to it.

Here he is, way back in the day.  He had a sense of humor a lot like mine, so I guess you can say he helped form mine, for better or for worse.  It was under his tutelage that I was to learn all I know about how to bend the Land o' Lakes butter package (google images of "land o lakes girl trick") and how to turn a pack of Pep Boys matches into something much more fun.  He had me saying, "Don't go away mad, just go away!" long before Mötley Crüe had me singing it, and he knew just about every old vaudeville joke that there was.

He also had a garage full of the most amazing junk and stuff.  In fact, he should have opened a business in the mall called Junk 'n' Stuff. Old magazines, threaded pipes, scrap wood: all were things he had in abundance.  

Along with a lot of love and joy.  So that's why I miss him.

Photo Challenge: Mother

This is my mother, as pictured on Christmas 2009.  She is, sad to say, nowhere near this hale and hearty anymore.  Today is Mother's Day and my sister and brother-in-law are going to bring her around so Peggy and I can see her, since I'm still not ambulatory quite yet.

Happy Mother's Day to you and yours!

Photo challenge: Outfit Of the Day

Unless someone has departed this mortal coil or is getting married (in which case I saved a suit and some shirts and ties and nice khaki pants), you will usually see me in the mufti pictured below.

Left - in cooler weather, blue jeans, polo shirt, and red socks.  Hoodie available if really chilly.
Right - in warmer weather, cargo shorts, t-shirt, black ankle socks.

I finish off the ensembles with a nice pair of Rockport shoes (first choice of mallwalkers the world over), an Oriole cap, and plaid boxer shorts (not seen.)

If someone claiming to be I walks up to you, and he's wearing polyester pants or a polyester shirt with any sort of cheeseball decoration anywhere, and patent leather shoes, and a fedora: it's not I.

And just why would someone try to pass themselves off as me?  There's no money in it.

Photo challenge: Movies

Jerry Seinfeld used to have a gag that said men don't want to know what's on TV.  They want to know what ELSE is on TV.

That's true here at the Lazy 'C' Ranch, and there's a corollary of sorts.

I don't want to watch any new movies.  I only want to watch my favorite movies again and again.

Hence, this collection of DVD classics ready to enjoy during my surgery rehab.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll know most of the lines in advance!

Thanks to everyone for the love and support!

May I take a break from the ongoing Photo Challenge to salute the greatest person I have ever known and loved? Of course, I'm talking about Peggy, my wife of almost four decades, who has been by my side 24-7 since last weekend, preparing me for and pulling me through knee replacement replacement.  Every day while we were in Sinai Hospital, she helped with my meals, clothing and personal tidiness. And unless you've never given a big lummox such as I a little washcloth and basin and helped him "bathe" you just don't know what fun is!  I wish I had more time to sit and type about her and her goodness, but I just hope that everyone I know could enjoy the unselfish devotion that is my gift from my Peggy. I see guys on TV buying 57-carat rings to say thanks but I don't have that kind of money. I'm just glad we have that kind of love!

Photo challenge: Selfie

Today's photo challenge is a selfie.  I'll do my best, but, as much as I try, I don't come out looking like John Stamos or Bradley Cooper.

I have found that by taking the selfie at a certain angle, I avoid the straight-on shot that looks like it should be in the morning paper with the accompanying caption "Man Held In Liquor Store Holdup."

This is the selfie of a very happy man, in love with his wife and with love itself.  He thanks you for your loving friendship!

Photo Challenge: Shape

My favorite shape is a circle, because it seems inclusive.  Terms such as "family circle," "circle of friends" and the circle of life that they talk about.

A wedding ring or any ring that denotes a permanent and committed relationship is in the circular shape, meaning that there are no corners or shadowy edges.  The circle loops over and over on itself, with no beginning or end.

We have this wreath in the living room.  Well, technically, that room is the family room, and the living room is somewhere else.  But we do our fun living in the family room and the living room is more formal.  It's for formal occasions.  We have lived in this house for almost 14 years and I count on one hand the amount of times I have sat in the living room.  I'm not that formal.

But happiness runs in a circular motion!

Photo Challenge: Something beginning with 'R'

There could not be any question around our house as to what begins with an 'R' that we really like.  The answer is Cal Ripken, Jr, probably the greatest Baltimore Oriole of all time and the holder of the consecutive games record - 2,632 - that will stand forever.  Of that, I have no doubt.

This poster hangs in my garage. I took it with me one day when I went to get some autographs down at the old Memorial Stadium in Baltimore.  I wish I had taken a Sharpie with me, because in black ballpoint, the signature doesn't show all that well.

We saw Cal and his wife and kids eating in a restaurant in Towson one night.  I stood there transfixed, as if seeing one of the Saints from the Bible eating fries and a burger.

If you and yours had the chance to see Cal play, or to be touched by his workpersonlike dedication to excellence, you "R" very lucky.   His father, coach and manager Cal,Sr, had an expression:  Practice doesn't make perfect.  Perfect practice makes perfect.

That sounds "R"ight to me!