She had it her way

 You see this ten-story office building in Glen Burnie, Maryland? 

It's called Empire Towers, and this is an old picture of it. A new picture would show zero cars on the parking lot and barricades all around. The building was deemed structurally unsafe last week. Apparently, people have been working on the underground parking garage and the building's moorings are not quite up to holding the building up, so even if there's a bank branch in there, no one can hold that up either. It's a huge deal down in Glen Burnie, legendary home of Maryland's Motor Vehicle Administration and 47 car dealers in a two-block radius. Nearby businesses are closed until someone figures it all out.

You see the Burger King right next door (also currently closed)? Therein lies a tale. I worked around the corner at  WISZ  AM-FM from 1973 to 1978. I started out on the evening shift. Most nights I would pack some sort of lunch - a little salad, some lunchmeat, Potato Stix (I still love them!), maybe a Pop-Tart. BUT every now and then, I would skip packing a lunch and hit the BK for something substantial, maybe a Double Whopper, large fries, a vanilla shake.

I packed about 160 lbs on a 6' 5" frame then, so calories were not a concern.

You know the drill at places like the King: order, pay, and wait to get your chow in a bag. And so it was that one day I was waiting for my BA order, along with a hippie-looking girl who ordered a plain hamburger and a soda.

My order came up, the guy slid it across the counter at me, and BAM! The freakazoid snagged my bag the way Brooks Robinson used to pick up hot ground balls, and then she ran out the door like Ed Reed after an interception. 

The guy at the counter looked like this was not a first. He remade my order and I was on my way to play Conway Twitty records very happily, and as far as I know, her original order is still sitting there.

If Burger King ever opens up, if Empire Towers doesn't collapse, it's probably still there waiting for her.

Sunday rerun: I'll have a Danish

 The other night, watching the Orioles game, Peggy jokingly referred to left fielder Heston Kjerstad as "Kierkegaard," and a good time was had by all.

Now, Søren Kierkegaard was a Danish theologian, philosopher, poet, social observer, and Christian author. He was only around for 42 years (1813 - 1855) but in that short life, he founded what is called the philosophical school known as existentialism.

"Søren The K"

Existentialism is often confused or misidentified as the very concept of existence. You're likely to see this among the blurbs on the back covers of cheesy novels in whose scenarios frustrated, unfulfilled suburbanites seek the meaning of life as they pilot their Range Rovers home from Whole Foods..."Walston was struck by the existential nature of life, realizing that if he hadn't joined the water polo team at Yale, he would never have known the love of Heather, whose father owned a chain of lumberyards in the Fair Hills area."

Walston's imaginary plush life notwithstanding, Existentialism holds that we have the freedom and responsibility to make the right choices to lead our lives down successful, proper paths.

In other words, "If it is to be, it is up to me."

The most notable existentialists include Kierkegaard, Friedrich Nietzsche, Martin Heidegger, Jean-Paul Sartre, Albert Camus, Simone de Beauvoir, and Orioles color commentator Ben McDonald, who pointed out in a game this past Saturday against the Tigers that each player is responsible for his own performance. 

And therein lies the meaning of life! 

Ben McDonald can hold 7 baseballs in his hand.

The Saturday Picture Show, July 11, 2026

 

One might think that this woman is suffering an unbearable loss or a soul-rending tragedy. But no. She's just cheesed off because the officials are telling her and her party they had to leave the Freedom 250 site last Saturday in DC. If you'll recall, tremendous storms with wind and rain came in and did some damage. But she chose to stand her ground because she wanted to see the fireworks. Even her daughter knows better.

My suggestion (and I am full of them): Change the name of the company to "Schindler's Lifts."

On the other hand, try telling these birds they have to vacate their perch. It's written right there!

After all these years, people still line up to view the tomb of Ramses II.

One simple comma or colon would have changed this from something funny to a lesson for those who want to keep all their extremities.

Hot a-mighty! That is my favorite salad right there. Hold the greens, Mabel!

Well, Daniel L, I can understand, because when I was a little tacker, they said I always got carried away. I can't tell you how many owls it took!

Did the person who named this bucolic grove know what happened the last time the Donner Party camped out for a picnic?

"If you're going to commit serious crimes,  A) don't talk about your plans out loud and B) make sure no one is recording you when you do." Good advice from beyond the grave from Richard Nixon, whose Oval Office shenanigans were recorded for posterity and prosecutors on this very machine.

The Dodgers had their annual Pride Night last month. Not all of the boys were grown up enough to participate and wear the rainbow hat that 24 of the 26 players wore. Here's pitcher Blake Treinen, # 49, on the right, who just can't bear the thought of two people  being able to express their sexuality the way he does. To Blake and all the other pearl-clutchers out there, here is my chant: "I am straight and the hat looks great!"

The Dressing Room

A Swedish 24-year-old named Elsa Thora, in our country for the World Cup, seems to be the one who kicked off the avalanche of fan support for our Ranch Dressing. “Why did no one tell me ranch sauce is like crack?” 

Unfortunate drug comparison aside, ranch is popular here, and, apparently, unknown in Europe. We usually call it ranch dressing, but make no mistake; it has been America's favorite salad dressing since 1992, when it overtook Italian. 

Ranch dressing is a sassy mix of buttermilk, salt, garlic, onion, black pepper, and herbs, stirred into a creamy sauce. It was first mixed up by one Steve Henson, a plumbing contractor working in Alaska, where he fed his crews a lot of salad with his homemade dressing. He retired from the plumbing business and moved to California, where he bought a ranch where guests could stay for a visit. He opened a steakhouse and served (you guessed it) a lot of salads, started selling his dressing on the side, and soon reached a point where he was able to give up renting rooms, and concentrate on selling his sauce. The rest is dressing history. The stuff is everywhere, in America, at least. But...

And now Thora, who is quite the social media influencer, is all over the board after proclaiming “EUROPE WE NEED RANCH ASAP.”  Thousands "liked" her post and thousands more tried to take bottles of the white stuff home with them, only to run afoul of the Federal Air Traffic Armed Security Service.

F*A*T*A*S*S responded and told international travelers to pack their smuggled bottles in their checked bag, and Kraft Foods published a picture of regulation-compliant mini-packets of ranch, although no one has seen any of them coming through the scanner line.

And I'm over here reaching for Trader Joe's Romano Italian dressing.

Lookie here

Judiciary note: I found it interesting that a man was found not guilty in Towson District Court after being charged with two Peeping Tom charges.

There's no doubt that the man on trial, Johnnie Wade Jr, was looking into a first-floor window at the Donnybrook Apartments in Towson. Two women who lived in the apartment testified that they caught him peering in.

Judge Krystin Richardson found Wade not guilty on both charges. She said the prosecutors failed to prove that he actually saw any of the three women who lived in the flat, so he was not really peeping at anyone.

This peeping and creeping has been going on for almost a year in this apartment complex, and the police worked with the community to catch these creeps, only to have the first to be tried beat the rap because no one was seen.

State’s Attorney Scott Shellenberger said there are two other men who were caught loitering with intent to peep around the complex, and now he doesn't know if there will be any change to those charges after this ridiculous decision.

Céilí Doyle reported in The Banner that Shellenberger said, “I have never felt that there had to be somebody in the room,” he said. “If you’re crawling up to the room, and you’re looking in, your intent is to see the person.”

The three men were charged with misdemeanors under a law that says you break the law by conducting “visual surveillance of an individual in a private place without the consent of that individual.”

Make me the judge, and I will find that if you break into a safe, only to find it empty, you are still just as guilty as if you had found a pile of hundred dollar bills big enough to choke a horse. 

But I'm not a fancy lawyer or anything, just a man trying to carve out a little frontier justice here on the prairie.

And I can't help but feel that the judge would have found him guilty if his name were Tom, but that's just me.

 

Not funny

Last week, a United Airlines flight going from Newark, N.J., to Palma de Mallorca, Spain, did not get to its destination before the pilot hung a uey and went back to New Jersey.

It was all because there appears to have been a suspiciously named Bluetooth device on board.

And they were 4 hours and 24 minutes into what was supposed to be an eight-hour flight!

 

The friendly skies of United said in an email to NPR that the flight turned around "to address a potential security concern." Posts on social media from other passengers said that a Bluetooth device on board the plane was the problem.  

All anyone knew was that the flight attendants were asking everyone to shut off their devices, and this communication was overheard on air traffic control radio:

 "There's a security detail out there, someone had a Bluetooth speaker and they named it a certain four-letter word," another voice responded. "So they have to inspect the whole aircraft including the cargo area [and] passengers have to evacuate."

It turns out that the four-letter word was not a curse word per se, but some genius named his Bluetooth network "Bomb."

Smart, son.

Everything was checked out and the flight took off again, missing a few hours of Sangria time and getting to Palma de Mallorca nine and a half hours late.

I hope it's not a problem that I named my wifi "IT HURTS WHEN IP." 

Kindness abounds

A friend mentioned this on Facebook and it really struck me as being a wonderful gesture. Up in my second favorite state, New Jersey, in the town of Morristown, right there on South St, there's a nice looking place called the Swiss Chalet Bakery and Cafe. 

As you might have heard, we here on the east coast of the USA took it on the chin over the Fourth of July, and the Fifth, and some of us, on the Sixth. Typical July...hot, sunny and humid all day, and then storm clouds, followed by thunder, lightning, heavy winds, torrential sheets of rain, and the worst...trees and wires down, property damage, the whole sad panoply of summer problems. 

I saw a guy on Facebook musing that it's a good thing all that rain wasn't snow, because it's just too hot to shovel snow.

Anyway - this cafe, the Swiss Chalet, they took care of their neighbors, many of whom have had no power for several days and have lost their food and supplies and even more, sadly, They offered up a breakfast sandwich or pastry with water or coffee FOR FREE!

Here in Maryland, the legislature just passed a law prohibiting "surge pricing," which is when greedy moneygrubbers figure "people are in need, so let's fleece them and charge 40 dollars for a bacon/egg sammy." You will see those people in hell someday, so don't go there! And they will not be from Maryland as of last week.

As my friend said, "What a sensational gift for people of Morristown who maybe worked overtime cutting down trees and clearing brush, or assisting with flooded basements!"

I've only been outside of the US once, and even that sparked an international conflict, so I am no globetrotter, but I believe it is such a quintessential American thing to help our neighbors like this. So the next time I'm in Morristown, NJ, I'm off to the Swiss Chalet for a nice "Barbarian" Cream donut, as we say here in Baltimore.

Ya Got Trouble?

 I really enjoy recording old movies on the DVR and watching them as we wish, sometimes over and over for a year (after which time, Comcast disappears them.)

And I really hit the jackpot on Saturday with TCM showing "A Hard Day's Night" and "The Music Man."  "Hard Day's Night" takes me back to when the Beatles first happened along to warm our hearts and souls with vivid, tender music, such a balm after JFK was shot. I was 13 then, 1964, and you know teenagers have always had a thing for rebellion and being just a little bunch of smart alex. (I stole that from Ring Lardner)

In the 50s, James Dean and Elvis were the role models, all curly sneery lips and insouciant bearings. In the 60s, The Beatles taught us a whole new way to sass our elders.

Stuffy old uptight man on train:  "Don't take that tone with me, young man. I fought the war for your sort." 

 Ringo Starr: "I bet you're sorry you won."

And besides the wonderful music from Robert Preston, Shirley Jones, the Buffalo Bills* and the others in "The Music Man," there was the story of a career swindling con man who "got his foot caught in the door" of love and finally cut out the cheating and fooling. An all-time classic, and the home of the first rap song ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2ySBtVLCYA

 *Not THOSE Buffalo Bills!

Sunday rerun: Not Taylor Swift!

 Zac Taylor is the coach of the Cincinnati Bengals football team. I'm sure I'm not the only football fan who wonders if he were named for the 12th president of the United States, and if the coach avoids cold milk and cherries.

What, now? President Zachary Taylor (1784 - 1850) spent his final Fourth of July on the land in Washington DC where the Washington Monument was to be built. He had only served 16 months at the time. Remember, sanitation and hygiene were primitive in those days, and maybe it would have been better if he had not gobbled a lot of cherries and cold milk on that scorching hot day.

Cholera, the killer disease borne by bacteria, was not uncommon at all in the 19th century, especially in hot weather in areas of poor sewage systems. What it was that caused the president to become ill is still in doubt. Perhaps it was cholera, perhaps gastroenteritis from all those acidic cherries mixed with milk. It might even have been food poisoning or typhoid fever that felled Taylor, a Mexican War hero, but his last four days were full of sickness (cramping, diarrhea, nausea and dehydration) and an agonizing death that his doctors attributed to cholera morbus, a bacterial infection of the small intestine.

Zachary Taylor

Millard Fillmore succeeded Taylor as president, and we can assume that he avoided dangerous foods. He was unable to secure his Whig party's nomination to run for president in 1852. His wife caught a cold at the 1853 inauguration of Franklin Pierce, who won that election, and died of pneumonia soon thereafter...and his only daughter died of cholera in 1854.

I'll have a happier story for you on Monday. Until then, watch what you eat! 

The Saturday Picture Show, Semiquincentennial Edition, July 4, 2026

 

We remember 1976, the Bicentennial, and how Baltimore's Inner Harbor was packed with people to see the tall ships. Four years later, Harborplace opened, and for years, every weekend down there was packed like 1976. But that shopping destination has fallen, the way all malls are either closing or tottering on the brink thereof. An interesting future awaits. We're doing a July 4-themed picture show this week.

Out in far Western Maryland, boaters float on Deep Creek Lake for the holiday.

Even in the smallest towns across the nation, banners fly and hopes soar.

We are under a heat dome these days, so uniforms like these, snazzy as they may be, are hazardous to the marchers. Stay cool and hydrated.

And for the love of Pete, if you insist on being around fireworks, leave it to the professionals. This house being destroyed would still be standing, except that someone thought they knew what they were doing with bottle rockets.

We love baseball, hot dogs, and deep fried apple pie, just like Mom used to deep fry.  McDonald's is bringing these back for a limited time, just because we missed them.

Here you go, the way it should be.  A neighborhood display at the park, with professionals lighting the way.

This is not what it seems to be! This is a roast beef sundae, with mashed taters and gravy!

Back in the days of reading newspaper, I was often hollered at for reading a paper and then reaching into the Kelvinator, leaving black fingerprints from the printer's ink. 250 years later, we still don't know who left prints on this early hand copy of the Declaration of Independence.

It's still a grand old flag.

"I need a love to keep me happy" - Keith Richards

When it comes to happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky will be glad to tell you how to find it and keep it. After all, she is a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California at Riverside, and she's been at this chase for 30 years now, studying happiness and how to keep it around.

Pro tip from Dr Lyubormirsky - it ain't easy!

She says it's one thing to know the basics, such as maintaining connections with other humans, staying exercised, meditating, but knowing how to fit it all into your life while you're working, shopping for food, taking the Dodge to the dealer for new tires...it's a lot.

Connecting with people, exercising regularly, meditating — all of these research-backed strategies to improve health and happiness take effort. Like many of us, said it’s challenging to fit it all in.

Like so many in her line, Lyubomirsky wrote a book for you to read, called “The How of Happiness.” 

Here's how!

• Exercise every day, even if only for a half a minute. It's invigorating.  
• Reach out to people, literally. Being social makes us happier.
• Go beyond small talk. Lyubomirsky says, “So many of us are really hesitant to share ourselves and it just seems scary." Learn to be honest and vulnerable when sharing your thoughts.
• Practice spirituality, because people who identify as religious are happier, according to research.
• Breathe deeply. Breathing exercises can calm us down. And in times of anxiety, consciously slowing our breathing will take our body to a more physiologically relaxed place. 
• List the good things. She says you don't have to maintain a formal gratitude journal, but just keeping a running list of good things coming your way on your phone or pc is a benefit.

So what I'm going to do, is start my list with Professor Lyubomirsky's list!

 

"Mahomes, party of two"

What was rumored since last summer is happening - your English teacher is marrying your gym teacher: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are going to tie the knot!

With my luck, our invitation will arrive next week. Our mail is notoriously slow and misguided, so if Travis and Taylor sent us a wedding invite, it might not be here in time.

The whole barn dance will take place at the Madison Square Garden up New York Way, apparently on Friday into the yawning on Saturday, and you know the rules are strict for us guests: dress to impress, black tie, no cellphones (they will be confiscated at the door, just like the schools are going to do this year).

I have a black tie left over from my uniform. It's nice, a polyester clip-on, and with a bottle of ReNuzIt, I can probably get most of the stains out in time.

Trav 'n' Tay took out a permit for between 500 - 999 people, and some mighty big names are on the roster: George Kittle, Andy Reid, Graham Norton, Suki Waterhouse*, Ed Sheeran, Zoë Kravitz, Jack Antonoff, and Stevie Nicks.

Kittle told some magazine that Trav laid down the law: absolutely no gifts. You're telling me they don't need a toaster oven or an iron or an Oster Osterizer!? Everybody needs something! Big reader that he probably is, Travis could use a Barnes & Noble gift card, and what bride doesn't want a one-year supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat?

I'll tell you everything, soon as I can!

* Who, now?

We're havin' a heat wave....

It always amazes me when weather events that every Ava, Steve, and Abigail have talked about for days on end take some people by surprise.

"I didn't hear anything about severe thunderstorms/a blizzard/a long intense heat wave!" they holler. They can tell you what happened on "Let's All Eat!" or whatever else they see on the Food Channel, but the weather, nah.

So, just so's you know...there will be a big heat wave for this upcoming Fourth of July weekend in the mid-Atlantic area. Temperatures will be dangerously high, and don't even ask about the humidity!

It's a heat dome - the fancy name for a hot air mass - that's been headed eastward for a week or so. It's traveling eastbound on I-70 and I-81, stopped at Waffle House and Buc-ees, and will be here unpacking its sweaty luggage starting today!

The heat index, driven mad by humidity, might scorch out at 115.

 

 

Read and heed! Take precautions, take ice, take breaks, take off for the beach!

"Tatsu tori ato wo nigosazu."

 "Tatsu tori ato wo nigosazu" is how they say it in Japanese. That's how they say, "Return it the way you find it." 

Literally, it translates to, "A bird leaves nothing behind," which is true unless you've had to visit a dry cleaner after a pigeon flew overhead.

Americans are neat in a lot of ways...we obediently dump our trash in fast food places. But why do we leave public parks and stadiums looking like that space was just declared a landfill? 

There's a nice system of parks here in my beloved Baltimore County, and yet, most every Monday morning, you'll see Facebook posts about how some slobs picnicking at one of them left chicken boxes and burger wrappers and soda cups and I don't know what-all else on the ground, tables, and parking lot when they left.

So how come Japanese soccer fans clean up everything when their games are over? It happens after every match, and here is how Scott North, professor of sociology at Osaka University, explains it: "Cleaning up after football matches is an extension of basic behaviours that are taught in school, where the children clean their school classrooms and hallways.

"With constant reminders throughout childhood, these behaviours become habits for much of the population."

He added: "In addition to their heightened consciousness of the need to be clean and to recycle, cleaning up at events like the World Cup is a way Japanese fans demonstrate pride in their way of life."

As a longtime sufferer of SIN (soccer-induced narcolepsy) I would be inclined to help them, even before the game ended. 

You have a meeting with the Bobs

 Female plebes (first-year students) at the United States Naval Academy must now have their hair cut to chin length.

Women arriving at USNA in Annapolis last week who did not have their hair in a "bob" cut had to report to a processing station to get a regulation haircut to begin their "plebe summer," the seven-week orientation and initiation process.

Male students have their heads shaved.

This was the rule for women at Annapolis from 1976 (the first year women were admitted) until 2019, when sensible people sought to create a more inclusive atmosphere and follow the Navy's standards for differences in hair texture.

US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, who likes to call himself the Secretary of War since he's so tough, came up with this change on the grounds that "efforts to promote diversity make the armed forces weaker."

In being this hard-headed, Hegseth aligns himself with former Maryland Governor Bob "Bob" Ehrlich, who used to go around saying "multiculturalism is bunk." 

It would be good for the Bobs and the Petes to remember that there are different kinds of people in this crazy old world.

Sunday Rerun: For a Swim

 

If you ever want to get a lot of opinions churning in the air, here’s a topic that will get things going. It's more controversial than regular vs. decaf, vanilla vs. chocolate, grits vs. Home fries, and "versus" vs "verse," which is particularly concerning to me.

The topic is anchovies. To the bewilderment of all, Peggy and I both love those salty little fish. Pizza chefs and servers always give us the fisheye when we order one with extra cheese, sausage, and anchovies. Servers have even told us that the kitchen crew gives them a hard time for turning in an order for that tasty pie.

And many restaurants will offer a salad with Caesar dressing, but they durst not call it a Caesar salad (more in a minute). And if you ask for anchovies, they act like you requested 14 "carrot" gold flakes on your salad. 

To make a proper salad, you need romaine lettuce, croutons, and a rich dressing, which would contain olive oil, raw egg, Parmesan cheese, Worcestershire sauce, and a dash of lemon juice.

And, for pity's sake, give anchovies a try next time you strap on a salad feedbag. Attempting to cajole a friend into signing up for the We ❤️ Anchovies club, I told him I like to arrange 4 or 5 of them on top of a salad in such a pattern that suggests an entire school of them swimming in a hurry to join the lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and dressing in my bowl.

At least, he said he'd think about it! 

The Saturday Picture Show, June 27, 2026

 

Big doin's in Baltimore this weekend! Sail 250 with the tall ships and flyovers and big crowds downtown. Should be something to see!

Free Wallpaper for the week features a chipmunk. I did not know they were tree-climbers, but it looks like this one has a pretty good grip on the branch.

Don't tell me birds aren't smart. While humans intentionally seek sun, birds know what to do. Not shady at all!

Well, Andy, we didn't get an invitation either, but we wish her and that big lug lots of love and happiness!

Every year at this time, they send the press photographers to the Naval Academy in Annapolis to cover the induction of a new class of middies. They always show people getting the mandatory Navy haircut and I always think of John Candy in "Stripes."

I don't know either. Just don't say anything.

A guy goes to the trouble of building a protected box for dropping off package deliveries. Amazon just can't go to the trouble.

"The Princess Bride" is one of those pictures that you just have to see, if only to know what everyone is talking about with gags like this!

You just have to set boundaries somewhere!

From a wristwatch to a huge TV screen, see me for all your box needs. Really. I cannot throw them out!

JP Moregone

She's a New York Knicks basketball fan, she's 40 (old enough to know better) and her name is Angie Báez. We didn't know her until the other day, but when video of her dumping out the contents of a Knicks-themed trash can after their victory parade last week hit the internet, we all found out something new about Ms Angie - namely, that she is no longer a DEI executive with JPMorgan Chase. 

It would appear that she wanted the trash can to use at her home in Harlem, so she emptied it, got on the subway home and presumably was using it in her house when word got around who she was.

Advice to anyone thinking of doing anything wrong anywhere: there is video of you that will soon be seen on every channel, including Martha Stewart's. So, just don't.

She has returned the stolen goods — and found herself slapped with $175 in fines for the foolish theft of city property which must have seemed like a great idea AT THE TIME.

The happy ride home. 

That smile must have faded fast this past Tuesday, when Chase tied a can to her. So, the final score reads Trash Cans: 0, Jobs: 0. 

Lessons learned: 1.

But if they decide to make a TV movie out of this, she can be portrayed by Meg Griffin from "Family Guy."

 

Don't weep

I belong to a subscription for a daily word sit called Wordsmith (wordsmith.org). They send a word out daily; I know some of them, some are complete surprises. So I want to share this one from the other day:

 psithurism pronounced (SITH-yuh-riz-uhm) 

It means the rustling or whispering sound, such as of leaves in the wind. Wordsmith says the word comes from the Greek psithurizein (to whisper), from psithuros (whispering, slanderous). Earliest documented use: 1848.

Who has not experienced psithurism? And who, having experienced it, has known the name for the whispering sound of leaves and green branches swaying in the breeze? 

We had a large weeping willow tree in the back yard when I was just a little psithurer (that is not a real word) and, while we didn't have an American flag flying (the one at the fire house was right across the street) we did have the whistling willow branches, not far from the clothesline, where sheets and t-shirts and boxer shorts got dry from the winds of summer. 

In winter, if you didn't get outside soon enough, the laundry froze, and you took it inside stacked up, and sometimes the next morning saw me putting on pants and shirts that crackled as if they had been heavily starched.

As the years went by, we got a clothes dryer, which meant no more running outside at the first sign of a thunderstorm, and the willow wept alone.