Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Look Up!

The perplexed couple you see below are Mr and Mrs Derek Starnes, who went to Florida and booked a stay at someone else's house through this Airbnb dealio.

I might as well add here, so that you won't confuse me for an objective reporter, that you could offer ME a thousand dollars a night to stay at some stranger's house and you could keep your grand.  I think the word for sleeping in someone's house when you don't even know them would be "oogie."  

And here is just one reason: the Starneses found this Fla Dream Vacay Home studded with hidden cameras like chocolate chips on a cookie.  Oh yeah. 

Derek and the Missus had already sacked out one night at the rental home of one Wayne Natt in fashionable Longboat Key when they noticed a small hole in the side of the smoke detector in the master bedroom.  Starnes took the device down, and found the smoke detector had an interesting accessory added -  a camera. He then removed the memory card from that camera and another secreted in the living room in the same manner, and saw video of himself and his wife and other people, suspected victims all.

“My wife and I are distressed by this situation. I hope more victims will come forward,” Starnes said.

I guess so.  As you see from their picture, that tiny camera did a great job! They probably wish their wedding pictures had come out that clear. 

The cameras are really tiny
Natt has been charged with one count of video voyeurism, a third-degree felony in FLA.

Police down there say that Natt claims he is innocent! Big surprise! And his story is, the cameras were there for people who wished to go home from their Florida getaway with a video of them doing the the hibbidy-dibbidy. 

You will never NOT look for holes
in a smoke detector again!
The police were skeptical of this, as police tend to be when handed a boatload of manure.  "If everyone had knowledge, then why hidden cameras?" Lt. Bob Bourque asked the local news. "His answer to that was, a better angle of video, which we don’t necessarily believe."

So this is why I don't want to rent someone's house when I travel. I don't want to wind up in some Fellini-inspired cinematic triumph, thank you.

Airbnb reports they are "outraged" about the whole daggone thing, and Natt is banned from booking his Love Shack through them forever, although they did leave open the possibility of hiring him to do a video for their Christmas Office Party.


Monday, December 11, 2017

Your hypothalamus is trying to talk to you

My doctor was telling me the other day that the reason we People Of A Certain Age cough after meals is because there is neurological confusion between our salivary glands and our mucus glands.  While we chow down, the saliva flows, and then we stop and the mucus glands get the opposite message, and our throats get all tickly, and sure enough, as they say at funerals, here comes the "coughin'."

Image result for operation gameMy doctor is a great guy and thoroughly learned in the medical arts. I am borderline acceptable in most situations, and nowhere near his equal in doctor-type knowledge, of course, although I can hold my own in a game of "Operation." 

I have to hold my own; they don't allow someone else to hold your probe.

But there are many other cases in which parts of the body get mixed up; although I did not share all this with Dr D, I can cite countless examples of intra-body confusion.  Such as when someone has their head in totally the wrong area, resulting in a severe case of rectal-cranial inversion.

You see a lot of this being reported lately, and to our shame it is totally a male problem.  They say men have two brains, and the trouble begins when they start doing all their thinking with the smaller one, if you follow.

How many times have you loaded up a plate at a buffet, and then couldn't get all those meatballs and chicken wings down your gullet? A perfect case of your eyes being bigger than your stomach.

People who dance like the south end of a horse heading north often say they have two left feet, but just try buying them shoes.

When we count our body parts, we are often reminded of why The Creator gave us two ears, to listen twice as much as talk.

Image result for annoying groomsWe may never know why our tear ducts begin to flow at weddings, and why we laugh at funerals. I mean, it's understandable in the case of Chuckles the Clown dressed as a peanut and crushed by a rogue elephant, but why the tears at a wedding (unless we know the husband-to-be is a total drip)?




Sunday, December 10, 2017

Sunday Rerun: The Name Gain

It's true that I was born and christened with a perfect name for the career that I first worked in.  Radio DJs who were born with names like Brian Anthony Hummelfinger had to call themselves Brian Anthony, but I just worked as myself, which made it easier for family and bill collectors to follow me from station to station.

However, I often wonder what it would be like to be named something different.  Leon. I'd love to be named Leon.  Leon is always a guy you can count on ("Leon said he'd be around later with the truck to help you move") and Angus suggests a certain Scottish stockiness ("Angus said he'd be around later to help bring the cattle back to the barn") and Ernest just sounds so...earnest. 

Of course, this was not a well-known name at the time I was born, but Elvis is a great name for baby boys.  Just sayin'...
Enzo to the rescue!

Mr Porter Wagoner
There's a blog called SheKnows that featured a list of great ideas for names of baby boys.  How about Thorn?  Enzo - that was the name of the baker in The Godfather who stood fast with Michael at a time of danger, his only weapon his bare right hand in a pocket.  Brooks - well, this is Baltimore, hon - the world capital for kids named after Brooks Robinson.  They suggest Nixon as a boy name...I met a little boy named Nixon.  At the age of 3, he already needed a shave, he kept hunching his shoulders and raising his arms, and he seemed, I don't know, shifty.  They mention Lincoln as a first name, which is cool, and Porter, which is of course the name of the great country singer Porter Wagoner, so the kid with that name also gets to wear a really cool suit.

The inartfully named Shitastrophy blog makes these points for new parents looking for a name for a male baby.  They recommend against professional names (Baker, Sheriff, Carpenter...although I would love to meet a kid named Tirechanger or Pizzabringer) and money names like Cash, Kash and Million. It's a bad start for a kid to be thinking of moolah at an early age.

Their research of census documents (hey!  how about naming the kid Census?) shows that some parents are going with names from nature, like Cove, Boulder, Granite, Moon, Moss, Sun, and Woods. Take this advice, please: do not name a child Moon.  You'll be glad later.

Car names?  Audi? Lexus?  Rolls-Royce? Why not Impala or Rav4?

It might be good to remember that the lead singer of The Showmen and The Chairmen of the Board was the late General Johnson, but still, I wouldn't be in a rush to name a little guy Captain or Commodore or some other military title. 

And I don't know if a little guy named Waldo can stand to have people looking for him all day.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

The Saturday Picture Show, December 9, 2017

Funny about the ocean. You see the tip of an iceberg and you don't realize at first how immense the rest of it is. And sometimes you see what appears to be a shark and it's only a goldfish wearing a shark getup. You never can tell.
Here is someone with the talent to knit and the resources and time to do something good for someone who needs a stocking cap. Picture how happy someone out in the cold this weekend would be, if they had no hat and came upon this one.
Let us never forget that the wizards working in the field of American Cheeseburger technology stick to their craft around the clock, bringing us the finest in chow every day.
Paul Lind, (not Paul Lynde) really loved Scrabble so much that he took it with him to his grave.
OK, so when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.  What do you do when life hands you lemonade?
I've read several accounts of shovel cuisine, but I always thought you should leave the handle on it...
I'll bet anything that this was posted by the Chamber of Commerce Of The Next Town Over From Elmo.
Someone asked me if carolers still go door-to-door these days. It's been a while since I saw them. How about in your neighborhood?

Friday, December 8, 2017

They call it a possum because it looks just like George Jones

I seem to have enough spare time on my hands that I can always look things up online to ease my curious mind.  Today's mindbuster? Why do we spell it "opossum" and call it a "possum"?  Well, it all started in the 1600s when an Englishman signed the register at Jamestown as "John Smith." One of the people who came here to join the people who already lived here saw a  little critter skittering about, and when he asked, he was told that the Virginia Algonquians, who were there first, called it an "Aposoum," their word for "white beast." 

Meanwhile, explorers who went to Australia saw a creature that they thought looked like an"opossum," as the word evolved, but that animal is something altogether different, another marsupial called the possum.  

The possum lives in New Guinea, Australia, Indonesia and other islands in the Pacific region. It has a furry tail, whereas our naked-tailed animal is the"opossum," although we call it a "possum" because we like to mess words up. 

But both animals are grey, and have the ability to fake death, or "play possum," when faced with danger. And being marsupials, they carry their young around in a pouch, even though Geoffrey, that giraffe who works at Toys "R" Us, tried to get them to use Fisher-Price strollers.  They demurred on the grounds that if the pouch is good enough for kangaroos, it's good enough for them.

And being the only known North American marsupial, it's their right to choose.

I can tell you about one opossum who wished he had made a better choice, and that's the one who had to sleep it off at a wildlife center in Florida after tying one on at a liquor store and guzzling a miniature of Vodka. 


"This sly, and currently slurred, opossum snuck its way into a liquor store and discovered some holiday cheer of its own," according to the Emerald Coast Wildlife Refuge, who dealt with the critter after a local police officer brought it in the other day. Officer Michelle Pettis had responded to a call for breaking-and-entering at the boozatorium and captured the suspect in a box with his stolen hooch. 

Just as with two-legged burglars who overimbibe, the cure was to flush toxins by pushing fluids to lessen the chance of potential alcohol poisoning.

The liquor store owner declined to press charges, and the animal was released on his own recognizance, back into the wild.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Stop In The Name of Love!

People are always using arcane laws to try to get a legal toehold in their crackpot cases. You read about someone who sues their neighbor for trespassing when all the guy did was walk up to their door, collecting for a canned food drive, or the guy who sued Michael Jordan for looking too much like him, or the odd case of the man from Minnesota who sued David Copperfield and David Blaine, noted magicians, for using his "godly powers" in their acts. This same man also claimed to have been married to Katie Couric and Celine Dion, so there's that.

But for real, there is a law that dates back to the days when women were considered property. A law known as "alienation of affection" allows a dumped husband in Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah to seek damages (namely, money) from a guy who wins the affections of his erstwhile wife.

The present case involves a man from North Carolina whose wife took off with a member of the Philadelphia Eagles football team. The man filed court papers that said that up until his wife met the athlete on a business trip, they had a perfect marriage and it all went to hell only because she met the ballplayer.

Son, let me tell you something. If someone loves you completely and fully, they will love you no matter what. Even though the toilet keeps making that funny sound and the car needs tires and the orthodontist wants to be paid and "happily ever after" seems like three words on a Hallmark card, if two people are really in love, they ain't goin' nowhere.

Likewise, if the love isn't there, no amount of gold-plated toilets and Yokahama yk580 tires and perfectly dentulous children will keep it together.  

Even The Captain And Tennille couldn't stand each other after 39 years, for crying out loud.

Image result for yogi berraI'm sorry for the man whose wife left him, but it's like in high school when someone doesn't want to go out with you...no amount of cajolery will change that.  I refer to the great sage Yogi Berra, who reminded us that "if people don't want to come to the ballgames, how are you gonna stop them?"

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

I love this a lotto

I don't play the Lotto games personally, but I have often been in line at the Grab 'n' Go while lottery players shell out their hard-earned dollars in the effort to rack up a whole pile of dollars.

Image result for ha ha clinton dix
Ha'Sean Treshon "Ha Ha" Clinton-Dix
And some of them just let the computer pick their numbers, and some of them have a whole bunch o' numbers that they play - their birthday, their mother's birthday, their wife's birthday, the amount of ounces in a cup, Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix's uniform number. 

All right, I never heard anyone use the former Alabama great's #21 in their lotto combo, but I never miss a chance to type his name when I get one.

But let's hear it for Leah Alderman of Cumberland, Maryland, who stopped at the local Pit 'n' Go a couple of weeks back and bought a $3 lottery ticket in the Ruby Riches sweepstakes - because Ruby was the name of her late grandmother!

Her Grandma Ruby passed when Leah was still a teenager, and, at 34, Leah still misses her g-mom. The two lived close by, and Leah remembers lots of happy times they had together.

So she bought the scratcher to honor her grandma, and took it home. Later, while peeling potatoes for Thanksgiving dinner, she got the itch to scratch the scratcher, and wound up with a $30,000 winner. 

"I must have scanned it on my phone 15 times," Alderman said. "I thought it wasn't real."

And maybe this was g-ma's way of being present in the now, because Leah and her fiance have been working for a couple of years to fix up a house they bought, while scrimping for a nice wedding.  This will go a long way to make both of those dreams come true!

I once had a friend we all called Filthy Rich. I hung around with him, but did not become rich. Just filthy.