Zookeepers and others involved in the care and feeding of brass monkeys all across the Eastern United States are reporting that there are hardly any new ones being born!
Brass monkeys are traditional adornments for the well-to-do and the well-done, for the hale and hearty, the lean, the lank, the content, the querulous, in their swanky mansions and spare huts. They are said to bring good luck to those who display them, and good fortune to all those who gaze upon them in the course of their daily meanderings.
And they just look so nice out on the porch, gazing beneficently on all who pass by!
But scientists and fanciers of metal animal replicas are all concerned by the recent, huge, decline in the birth rate of the primates in the phylum Chordata, subphylum Vertebrata, class Mammalia orichalcum - the common brass monkey, so beloved of American decorators and the locals of the United Brass Workers International.
Renowned expert Adel Vice, reached at his office high on a hill, pointed out that it's believed that the tendency of many Americans to leave their brass monkeys outside on nights like last night is to blame.
"People know good and well what happens when a brass monkey is left out in sub-freezing temperatures," he said in a phone interview that I just made up. "It doesn't have to happen this way. When you hear two 'thuds' on the porch in the middle of the night, it's already too late."
Don't let this happen to you!