Monday, December 2, 2013

Puttin' On the Squeeze

Well, if you have a family member who claims to be unable to find work, they have used up their last "I don't have training" excuse!

Say hell-o to Samantha Hess, out of Portland Oregon, who has experience as a personal trainer and Netflix calltaker.  She's a professional hugger.  For real.

She saw a guy at a street fair up in Portland with a sign that said "Free Hugs."  Soon, another dude came along with a sign reading "Deluxe Hugs, $2" and she got the idea that in this nation where I keep hearing of such financial distress that John Boehner might have to start rolling his own smokes, there are people who will willingly shell out $35 a half hour or $60 an hour of spooning, hugging or snuggling. 

She will spend the night for $300.

Before you get the wrong idea, don't.  Ms Hess says there is neither hanky nor panky to be had, no slap-and-tickle, no hibbidy-dibbidy.  Before she will show up and wrap her arms around a new customer, she will meet him or her at a safe neutral location.  That's just to make sure that this lonely person seeking hugulation is not a psychotic lonely person. Smart idea.

And there are rules.  Everything today has rules, to wit: "The cuddle sessions are NOT to be interpreted as sexual"; "both parties will remain fully clothed"; and "cleanliness and adequate hygiene are required by both parties."

So, even if you are panting, you still have to keep it in your pants.  And you will keep those pants and that shirt on.  And no stinkers or practitioners of lax programs of toothbrushing and gargling need go to her website and get the ball rolling.  

And you might have to pack up and head NW, because it's quite clear on her website that she "services the Greater Portland Metro area."

Wooden she be nice to know?
This is really a poignant commentary on the times in which we love.  I can't help but feel that she is going to run into some weirdos, some kooks, maybe an oddball or two, and so I fear for her safety.  She should have some sort of protection in place, I say, but that's just me, Mr Prepared.

And the other thing I take away from all this is the lyrics from a song that Faron Young sang in 1960.  The one about "A world so full of love, with not enough to go around."  

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