Friday, April 23, 2010

Mr Fixit

There are so many problems confronting mankind at this very moment, and so few solutions are available. I would like to volunteer to solve a few of them, and rest assured, you need send no money, nor shout hosannas, nor strew my path with rose petals. You could put out some nachos and a can of beer, for crying out loud.

Problem 1 - Earth's resources rapidly dwindling. Might not be enough oil to last another hundred years.

Solution- If you're driving your car to the movies, stay home and watch stuff on the pay-per-view. At least, in your home, the only people annoying you with their conversation, ring tones and stanky food are your own family, and you can always tell them to cut it out without fear of getting shot or stabbed. Usually.

Problem 2 - Financial crisis. Money tight, credit shrinking, trusted financial institutions stand accused of swindling thousands out of millions.

Solution - watch free old movies on Turner Classic Movies. Attempt to explain to your chatty, phone ringing, stanky-food chomping family why everyone smoked all the time in the 1940s, why people said, "Why, Agnes, that's a splendid idea!" and, "Say, Herbert, have you an extra cigarette? And may I present my niece Thelma, here?" and just why Victor Mature was able to say, late in his life, "I can't act, and I have 146 movies to prove it!"

Problem 3 - Kids in poor physical condition.

Solution - Space out the school bus stops a little so that they might walk more than ten feet to be chauffeured to school. And instead of calling them bus "stops," call them bus "slowdowns," and allow the kids to develop their dexterity by leaping onto a passing yellow jitney.

Problem 4 - Kids graduate from high school with poor math, grammar and science skills, and a woeful sense of history.

Solution - Teach them to read something other than text messages. There is a universe full of information out there, all for pretty much free in musty old books. And let's have the schools pay a little more attention to math, grammar and science, and worry less about selling dollar candy bars to buy better gram scales for the Science club. I submit here, exhibit 'A', an email from someone who signed himself as "John." This is taken directly from a website that discusses the educational system:

you are f------g (Redaction mine) retarded, School is redundent cause most kids aren't intrested, and you mostly forget 90% of what you learn afterwards, I beieve School should be optional, because mindless yakking is no substitue for life experiances

This erudite individual is a product of some school in America. The topic under discussion was homework, and clearly "John," the writer of the above, has rich life experiences to share with us all. No mindless yacker, he.

Problem 5: How do you know that the doctor you are going to see this very afternoon has not forgotten 90% of what he or she learned in medical school?

Solution: Take "John" with you to the appointment and see how they do with him.

This country can solve most any problem if we put our heads together. There was a time when people used to smoke, but once we got Manny from the Pep Boys to put those stogies away, everyone else gave it up, too!

Say, did anyone else have a grandfather who showed them the Pep Boys matches trick? I sure did!

Problem 6: Nothing to talk about at lunch in eighth grade?
Solution: Why, see above!

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