Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Master's and Johnsons

You have to like the timing...along comes the Master's golf tournament in Augusta, GA, this week, just at the same time that Entertainment Weekly's cover made it official: Jesse James has now replaced Tiger Woods atop the pantheon of the most disliked, despised and loathed. Even as a veritable plethora (and really, all plethoras should be veritable) of women have piled on Tiger (!) seeking their fifteen minutes of fame and fifteen million dollars for shame, he has delivered several apologetic explanations that were short on detail but long on gulping horror. So golf begins anew and we still don't know if Mrs Tiger will return to the lair or not.

But as if to take the pressure off the golf king, Jesse James -Jesse Gregory James, b. 1969 in Lynnwood, CA -the town that also sent Weird Al Yankovic to a waiting world - saw fit to nudge Woods aside with a little wood of his own. Described in Infoplease.com as "the muscular, tattooed chief gearhead of the reality TV show
Monster Garage," (and who wouldn't be honored with that appellation?), JJ also claims to be related to Jesse Woodson James (September 5, 1847 – April 3, 1882), described in Wikipedia as "an American outlaw, gang leader, bank and train robber, and murderer from the state of Missouri." Now that's someone to look up to and claim as kin! (Horrified descendant members of the James Gang have asked him for genealogical evidence, which has not been proffered.) Jesse James the outlaw was a Confederate soldier who freelanced his way before and after the war, robbing whomever he wished, killing likewise, and for some uniquely American reason he is on our list of people we suppose (in error) to have robbed from the rich and given to the poor - a sort of Robin Hood. They said the same thing of John Dillinger, "they" meaning people who were not shot to death by Dillinger. Jesse was more of a robbin' hoodlum.

The modern-day Jesse James has been a bodyguard for thrash-metal bands, a motorcycle designer and body
guard, the husband of three women, most recently Sandra Bullock, and the star of such well-reviewed tv shows as "Jesse James is a Dead Man" on Spike TV, and "Motorcycle Mania" and "Monster Garage," on Discovery. Speaking of discoveries, JJ recently discovered the fascinating information that the American public takes it to heart when a beloved actress such as Ms Bullock goes on location to film a wonderful movie and then wins an Oscar® for the movie and shows up at all the Oscar hoopla® with her loving husband on her arm, only to find that the whole time she was down South making the movie, he and his arms were busy going South with his apparent estimable paramour, one Michelle "Bombshell" McGee.

At these crucial junctures of our lives, many of us find it comforting to turn to our lawyers. Jesse did. His mouthpiece is named Joe Yanny, and herewith his statement:

"Jesse is in love with Sandra. The single most important thing to Mr. James and the children is that the marriage somehow survive."

The attorney did not point out that most men who regard their marriage as the most important thing in their lives find it best to avoid entanglements with women known by the name "Bombshell."

James has released a statement saying he had used "poor judgment" and deserved "everything bad that is coming my way."

As of today, dispatches from the front claim that Ms Bullock is reportedly ready to file for divorce, Mr James has left the rehab clinic where he sought refuge from this storm, and it might be another year or two before he is invited to join the cast of "Dancing With The Stars" or its predecessor, "Meet The Press."

And all because he couldn't keep it zipped up.

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