Saturday, October 30, 2010

Root Root Root

We see these people in the stands every football Sunday, and sometimes I have to wonder why anyone would do this.

  Now, I am not about to say people shouldn't do these things.  It's a free country, and you can adorn yourself with as many chains, masks, tubes of greasepaint and makeshift crowns as you wish.  Whatever it takes to make yourself feel like an NFL extreme fan, go for it!

But I would just like a chance to talk a couple of these people.

I always look for The Rest of
The Story, as Paul Harvey
would say.  My questions
would be:

 - - Did you wake up one morning and decide
"OK, today is the day I become an extreme fan!" and then head out to the novelty shop and start stocking up on extreme pompoms, wigs, and personalized license tags?  Do you tell your wife (99% of these people seem to be male) of your plan, and ask for tips on how to apply makeup? 

- - Suppose the place where you work transfers you to Ashtabula.  Is it your first move to grab an atlas and check to see which NFL team is closest to to your new home?  (Sorry to tell you this, but it looks like it's Cleveland.)  And then, before departing for your new seat, do you bequeath all your doo-dads, what-nots and gim-cracks to someone else, to have the tradition continue?  Of course, if your ersatz headwear is made of something perishable, like the Watermelon Ram Man pictured here, last week's hat is this week's dumpsterfill.

  - - Does your cell ever ring during the game, and it's your wife asking you to stop at the BuySumMore and pick up rye bread for dinner?  When you pull up to the store, do young children, hanging around out by the front door where the free magazines listing cars for sale and apartments for rent are displayed by the fire engine ride, flee in terror as your visage looms into
view?  Do the cashiers
suddenly "go on break" as
you approach their
register, purchases in hand?  Do other shoppers
down by the peanut butter
shelf suddenly stop talking
as you draw near?

Do you wonder why?

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