Monday, January 25, 2010

Your ad here at low, low rates

Wasn't it Sir Edmund Hillary, who, when asked why he climbed Mt. Everest, replied, "Because that's where the money is!"? Or was it Willie Sutton who said, "Because it's there!" when asked why he was going to Oakland?

But somewhere I need to come up with 44 million semolians to pay Conan O'Brien not to be on tv any more. It makes me wonder how much they would have to pay Matt Lauer to stay home. Except that on the Today show, no one "stays home." They "take some time off." They don't "go" places; they "make their way" or "trek" to different locales. And when they finish a story about a farmer who composes sonnets while riding his tractor, and then go to one about a bored coroner who became a mass murderer because things were too slow to suit him at work, they "switch gears now," as if we couldn't grasp the difference in gravity between the stories. And of course, the greatest thing about the Today gang is the way they go to a commercial by saying, "We're back right after this."

Dude. Think Charles Jefferson in "Fast Times" when Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's brother's Camaro, and Charles says his brother is gonna kill them both and then he's gonna poop (euphemism mine). Sagely, Spicoli asks, "Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna poop or is he gonna kill us?" So, Today Show, when you say you're back but you're really leaving, make up your mind, dudes!

And how does NBC come up with 44 million clams? That's a lot of bananas! One way is to sell advertising, which I have considered for this blog, choosing not to for two reasons:

a) no one would buy any ads here

b) Sugar Smacks cereal ads would scare the living h-e-double toothpicks out of anyone:

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