Hello, and welcome to "I Don't Know What I'm Talking About," the show inspired by the Don and Mike Show's review of movies they hadn't seen. Today's topic is Ice Skating. Figure Skating. You know, with the spangly sequined outfits and all the eye makeup and rouge. And so do the women.
But, I think that Sasha Cohen is cute as a newt, so I think she should be on the Olympics team if she so desires. And so she desired, but she was judged to be not as great as three other women who competed, and I don't know why.
Apparently, they don't throw in points for newt cuteness, so being cute as button did not work in Ms Cohen's favor. But tell me, what are the standards? How is it that we have a sport in which the winner is determined by people sitting on the sideline with score sheets? How about if the Colts and Jets game winner had been determined by beer-bellied judges up in the press box, where they might not see all the subtle nuances? Or even hear them.
I believe that figure skating could be made more popular for the masses, which is to say the people who purchase beer and pick-up trucks and chain saws, by the addition of these simple elements:
a) People always toss teddy bears onto the ice AFTER a performance. Let's spice things up a little by encouraging fan to toss teddy bears onto the ice DURING a performance. Not at the skaters, but toss 'em onto the recently-Zamboni'ed surface, so the bladed ones have to do their triple spins around the toys.
2) Hold the Olympics trials at a neighborhood IceLand some Saturday night, and have the skaters do their thing in amongst packs of bratty kids "cracking the whip," playing pickup hockey and tag, and generally making 12-yr-old nuisances of themselves (pardon the redundancy). Also out there on the ice: couples on a first date - and he's never skated so the girl is teaching him, couples so deeply in love that they fairly glide over the ice, their skates scarcely touching the rink, and the manager of the place, a highly-irritated moonlighting phys ed teacher chasing after the kid who just broke the Slushee machine over at the Snak Brrrrr. Now! get out there and do your routine!
iii.) Put mics on the skaters so you can hear what they say. Listen here to hear one of America's most beloved athletes excoriating a rookie teammate, in case you missed the subtle link above.
IV) That's it! Give everyone a free IV with a caffeine drip so they don't fall asleep during the Triple Axel.
As soon as we can have two figure skaters out there at once, with a system of scoring points by placing a ball into some sort of goal while skating, then you'll have a ratings winner. Just like Jay Leno at 10 o'clock.