They call it "anthropomorphism" but you can just say "oddball"

Fairly prominent in my family lore were stories of my maternal grandfather's brother Ed, who was the wanderlust of the family and eventually moved to California to pursue his various schemes and plans. My grandfather stuck around here in Baltimore to pursue the pot of gold he saw at the end of every rainbow. Eventually he wound up purchasing some houses and mercantile establishments, which meant that he was busy on the first of every month running around collecting rent checks, which left him the other 29 days to write letters back and forth to Ed out in Death Valley, CA., so they could chase moneymaking pipe dreams at a time when there was no money to be made.

Two cautionary tales came to issue about the Uncle Ed legend. One, of course, was not to pull up stakes and move 3,000 miles away to the Golden State. This had a tremendous impression on me. Every chance I got, I acquired more and more stakes and drove them into the ground, ready to pull them up at a moment's notice. But I stayed here, just to be obstinate about it all.

The other bit of wisdom was "don't get a monkey." Time was when a family could own a monkey. Shopping malls and centers had them on display to lure kids and their parents - here's a latter-day depiction of what Monkey Town looked like at Edmondson Village shopping center. Monkeys were available for sale at pet stores, and sure, we heard the stories about flung dung and tossed tinkle, but our fellow primates were so doggone cute with their monkeyshines, we'd gladly don a raincoat and hat just to see them swing from pillar to post. Uncle Ed had a little simian monkey named "Babe", who entertained the family in those pre-cable days by darting about the house and tipping the little hat he wore.

Another animal "don't," repeatedly annually, is "Please don't bring your dog to the Towsontown Festival." That's the street fair, the kind they have all over, held every May in our county seat, with the beer gardens and the craft tables and the beef and hot dog stands and public affection for the military units, fire equipment and police recruiters standing by. But year after year, some people ignore the fiat and bring their dogs along to the festival. Sometimes the rationale is, "Everyone loves Sluggo" and then there's always this one - I have heard people say,"I don't go anyplace where my dog is not welcome."

Let's add "don't give your 200-lb 15-year old chimpanzee human food and medications and expect him to act like a human." No time to get into Darwin and Scopes and all that history here, but - this may come as a major surprise to a Connecticut woman. Quoting directly from the BBC (note British spellings!):

A pet chimpanzee which violently attacked a woman visiting his owner was shot dead by a police officer "cornered" in his vehicle by the 200lb ape, the BBC reports.

Travis, 15, mauled the woman as she got out of her car in Stamford, Connecticut. His owner, Sandra Herold, first "wrestled" with the animal then returned to her house to call the police.

Captain Richard Conklin told AP: "She retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed her longtime pet numerous times in an effort to save her friend, who was really being brutally attacked."

Paramedics, protected by officers, arrived at the scene, but Travis turned on them. An officer shot the chimp in self defence as it attempted to enter his car.

The reason for Travis's loss of control is unknown, but AP noted he was "ill with Lyme disease and had been on medication".

Conklin said: "He's been raised almost like a child by this family. He rides in a car every day, he opens doors, he's a very unique animal in that aspect. We have no indication of what provoked this behaviour at all."

Two police officers were injured in the incident, while the unnamed female visitor was hospitalised in a "very serious" condition after suffering "serious blood loss" from facial injuries.

Travis, who'd appeared in TV commercials, had in 2003 escaped from a car and spent two hours "at large" in Stamford, the BBC concludes.

No idea what provoked the attack? Did you see the woman on TV, saying she slept with the chimp, fed and clothed him as if he were her child, and "lived for him"? No one likes to be a 15-year old, not even a 15-year-old chimpanzee. It's not fair to take an animal like that out of his natural habitat and force him to prance around like a human child.

Nor is it such a great idea to take your dog to the Towsontown Festival, where, instead of the sylvan greens where the pooch yearns to play, he or she is led around on the hot paved streets and teased with hot dogs, pit beef, barbequed chicken and dozens of other foods. That would be why, some years ago, a dog lunged at and mauled a little girl who was at the Festival eating beef sandwiches with her family.

Being forced to act in an unnatural fashion likely would explain why this Travis attacked a woman the other night.

In his dotage, Babe started nipping at people's noses (they should have named him Jack Frost) and ears. Uncle Ed wound up having to give him away.

But here's one call for some sense in all this. Howzabout we leave animals to animal things and spend some time uplifting our fellow humans? Do we need to have our dominion over the lesser animals expressed as ownership and domination?

Doggone if I know why.