The Salem Witch Trials of 1692 are still in the news, because we keep the notion alive, pretending that witches, ghosts, and goblins still dart around in the ether. No matter what you think of certain in-laws, no one is any more supernatural than anyone else. But they made a big commotion in Salem, so in case you want to check the rules of what made one a witch, here they are, the laws and evidence put forth back then:
Here are the clues they looked for.
1. YOU ARE FEMALE. Even though, for thousands of years society associated women with witchcraft, Salem hanged 19 people convicted of witchcraft and 5 of them were men! But being female was enough to put you on the watch list.
2. YOU LACK THE MONEY TO BE SELF SUFFICIENT. One of the women hanged was named Sarah Good, whose main sin appears to be wandering around Salem begging for food to eat. Tough town, that.
3. YOU HAVE PLENTY OF MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. They figured that a woman who could feed, clothe, and house herself would also have plenty of money to pay for witchy supplies. A large majority of those women hanged for witchcraft had no sons or brothers with whom to share their inheritances.
4. YOU HAVE ONE OR MORE FEMALE FRIENDS. The belief was that a group of women getting together with no male as a chaperone was a “coven meeting to worship the Devil.” On the other hand...
5. YOU HAVE HAD AN ARGUMENT WITH ONE OR MORE FEMALE FRIENDS.
Male "witchfinders" so tormented women to discover witches that women would turn in other women as likely suspects to take the heat off themselves.
6. YOU HAVE HAD A FIGHT WITH ANYONE. To be fair, they took wild accusations that any individual made as gospel truth. A women seen sweeping the front walk might just be riding that broomstick by the light of a full moon!
7. YOU ARE OLD. A woman named Rebecca Nurse, aged early seventies, was executed for being...old.
8. YOU ARE YOUNG. 4-year-old Dorothy Goode confessed to being a witch and was put in prison for nine months. She named her mother as being a witch, and mom went to the gallows. Dorothy lived out her days in a state of insanity.
9. YOU ARE A HEALER. Margaret Jones offered healing advice to the women in town and for her trouble, got the noose.
10. YOU ARE MARRIED WITHOUT ANY CHILDREN, OR NOT ENOUGH CHILDREN. It was then believed that your foul womb was cursed by the devil.
11. YOUR NEIGHBORS CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN. Obviously, you are going next door stealing the fruit of their loins. Off with your head.
12. YOU ARE “STUBBORN,” “STRANGE,” OR “FORWARD." One Rachel Clinton was deemed a witch because, “Did she not show the character of an embittered, meddlesome, demanding woman—perhaps in short, the character of a witch? Did she not scold, rail, threaten and fight?”
13. YOU HAVE A MOLE, BIRTHMARK, OR THIRD NIPPLE. These were known as marks of the Devil, because that's where a dog, cat, or snake would attach itself to a witch for a nice drink of refreshing blood.
14. BUTTER OR MILK HAS GONE BAD IN YOUR COOLERATOR. Are witchhunters coming up your walkway? Quick! Check the Kelvinator for bad yogurt. It's well known that witches and dairy don't mix.
15. YOU HAVE HAD SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK Martha Corey gave birth to a mixed-race son without benefit of a wedding or even a reception at the local VFW Hall. Even though she got married later on, she chose as her husband Giles Corey, who was called “a scandalous person in his former time.” Martha and Giles both paid with their lives.
16. YOU HAVE ATTEMPTED TO FIGURE OUT WHOM YOU WILL MARRY. Even assuming that you aren't planning to marry Giles Corey or someone of his ilk, even daydreaming about the man who will come along and get you the hell out of Salem was not acceptable. An enslaved woman named Tituba encouraged young women to make spousal predictions, and guess what happened to her.
17. YOU HAVE BROKEN VIRTUALLY ANY RULE IN THE BIBLE. This meant you were in league with the devil. Sorry about that new outfit with the wool sweater and a cotton blouse. Leviticus 19:19 says you're going down: "Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee."
What's more, make sure no one falls off your roof: Deuteronomy 22:8 says, "When thou buildest a new house, then thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house, if any man fall from thence."
The good people of Salem were only trying to keep their town safe from degradations of our goodness such as wearing masks during a global pandemic, so don't be too harsh on them.
Or else.
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