Sunday Rerun: Body Hacks

 

I found this list...and wanted you to see it.

 You know what they used to say; you can fool some of the people all of the time, but this is a list of ways to fool your body. Having lots of time on my hands, I roadtested them for you last week when we were stuck in the house with the weather outside being all frightful.

Here are the results of that trial. I pretended to be nervous, so I pinched my nose (1). It doesn't say for how long, and soon enough, I ran out of breath, so I got nervous for real, about the heartbreak of asphyxiation. But my nose said "no" when I went for another pinch.

I thought of something that would make me anxious, and that was the tendency of so many people to confuse "eager" and "anxious" ("I'm anxious to see what's in that Amazon box") - when you know very well it's the set of canvas shoebags you've had your heart set on, so you're eager, not anxious.  So I put my hand on my heart and took slow, deep breaths (2). Peggy thought I was reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and changed the Music Choice to the John Philip Sousa Channel.

My energy levels range from somnambulant to near-hysterical, so I splashed cold water on my face while taking a brisk walk (3) to bring up the recycling tub. It being 13° at the time, little flecks of ice were forming on my chin and cheeks by the time I got back, so I energetically grabbed a warm towel.

My nose is stuffy at all times. I think my adenoidectomy needs to be redone. But I tried putting an ice cube on the roof of my mouth (4) but unfortunately it came too close to the Vicks Vapoinhaler in my nose and suddenly everything tasted like peppermint patties.

I don't know what it means, not to be able to sleep (5). I did try blinking rapidly, but I wound up straining an eyelid muscle, and it's the darndest thing, getting an Ace bandage on that!

Maybe the people who put out that list need to try a different test pilot.

The Saturday Picture Show, October 3, 2026

The homeowners asked online what to do with this architectural error. I say, make it a tiny stage for Junior to practice his oratory skills on the subject of poor house design. 

It is October and time to trot out the Halloween Snoopy decorations! 

What happened here was, all the years of glue holding advertisements to the billboard provided a perfect breeding ground for mushrooms!

Just think - these leaves, and several trillion like them, will soon be on your front yard. And the side yard, the back yard, and the driveway. And the porch.

There's no sign-up sheet, just go! or should I say just went?

I wondered what happened to the querulous woman and the sassy cat. I see, they wound up on this guy's calves!

You know, there will be some who come in and ask for the Oil Change Latte!

Just tell the kids they're for keeping Dad's cigarette package dry, and hope he doesn't go in and ask for one that fits a Camel.

If you've been fortunate enough to go to Amish Country, you've seen this sort of sight...the hoss burns oats, not gasoline...

Looks like the KMart where you used to get that popcorn and an Icee, right? But look at the quarter by the door...it's a perfect model!

Shplish Shplash

 

Do you enjoy going through a carwash? Not the little squirty kind, but the Big Boy with the spinning brushes and the water jets and the foamy foam and then the liquid hot wax, all topped off with a final rinse and super blower to dry you off.

Well, the car. But you might be wet inside if your equilibrium was rattled by that feeling that the car is moving forward (but it isn't). You might have even spilled your Big Gulp over that.

Well, someone had a great idea up in Detroit, and no, I don't mean the Ford Pinto. Up at the Fast Splash Car Wash, they've got hobblin' goblins all over you as you and the Biscayne move on down the line. They tap on your window, try to open your doors, and cackle like demons  - and that's while you're still in line!

 Come this time of year, Fast Splash takes those giant brushes and mitter curtains (those flappy things that shimmy and shake all over your Gremlin to get the road crud off) and turns them into a hell of a frightful scrubdown.

They have whole chain of these carwashes - 260 of them from Alaska to Wyoming, seasonally re-named "Tunnel of Terror." The marketing manager behind all these spooky suds is Joel Fullmer, with Tommy's Express, a car wash chain out of Holland, Michigan.

"This is going to be the biggest year we have for this," says Joel Fullmer, who says they have a ton of these carwashes in California, but that he first heard of them in Virginia and Florida.

Well, of course, Florida...

"Our car wash is known for being bright and open, not the claustrophobic brick tunnel feeling," Fullmer says. "But for this event, we black out the windows, we turn down the lights, we run fog machines. Our team members will dress up in costumes." 

Not surprisingly, Fullmer himself has dressed as a ghoul and worked the line. Remember, he's in marketing. It's his job to scare up business.

Slice of Life

I have to tell you, I love bread. This goes back to my A&P days when, under the trade name Jane Parker, the store sold really good bread, old fashioned sandwich bread, and the wrapper called it "a hearty, firm-type loaf." 

I think that awkward wording about their fine products contributed to the A&P's demise. I mean, who calls their bread "a hearty, firm-type loaf," for crying out loud?

Sometimes, I'd rather have the bread than the sandwich. I like rye and sourdough the most - anything but that spongy white Wonder bread nonsense.

And when I'm at Lidl or Aldi or Weis, I don't mind shelling out a little extra for my toast, if the bread is good.

But I have to draw the line at this bakery just recently opened in New York City's chi-chi Soho neighborhood. The bakery is called Rye, and the question should be, "Rye are you willing to pay $60 for a loaf of bread?"

But that's the ticket price, and according to all up there, people are breaking their neck to get a loaf or rye sourdough advertised as having just four ingredients:  water, flour, salt and time.

The co-owner of this breadatorium, Tim Auer, says they have to charge 60 simoleons because it's a big loaf for sale in a pricey area.

“First of all, it’s a lot of bread,” he says. “It’s about 3.3 pounds, and we not only sell the whole loaf for $60, but we also sell half a loaf or a quarter of the loaf for either $30 or $15.”

“The price is also the result of all the efforts and costs that went into this, whether that’s importing the organic rye flour from Austria or baking it right here on site on Lafayette Street,” he adds.

And the time aspect, Tim? 

“You need to ferment the rye sourdough,” he says. “You need to feed it every day. That takes about 24 hours before you can use it again. Then you need to make the dough, ferment the dough, shave the bread, ferment the dough again, bake it, and then you have to let it rest.”

“The thing with rye sourdough bread is that when you take it out of the oven and try to cut it right away, it’s not going to work well,” he continues. “You’re going to basically rip it apart while doing so. It’s a bit like cutting dough. ... And so, it needs to rest for at least eight, but more about 12 hours, before you then can actually sell it or eat it.”

Sell it? Eat it? For 60 bucks, I might have to frame it!

Freeeeee Birrrrrrrd!

Our doorbell here at the Lazy 'C' Ranch has not worked for a while, which works for me. People going door-to-door selling steaks, siding, and political candidates push the button and sashay away broken-hearted because that push caused no noise to sound inside. I could replace it, but I find that a silent doorbell works just fine for me. Our friends know if we're home and they give their knuckles a workout to let us know they're there too.

By the way, shout out to the Amazon woman deliverer who was kind enough to carry a heavy box up onto the porch and inside the door to help Peggy out the other day. 

Anyway, this all leads to me saying that maybe you should always see who's knocking on your door. Especially if you work at a marine research facility in Florida.

Because, the other day at just such a facility, there came a knockin' at the back door, and someone went to see who was it, and lookie here:

This brown pelican was tapping at the door with its beak, patiently waiting to be a patient. It had not been a good day for him or her. Fishing line was wrapped around its right wing, a fishhook was stuck there as well, and a dozen cactus spines were stuck in its left foot.

This is a National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) research facility, and Annsli Hilton, a University of Miami research associate who works there, figured someone had dropped the bird off for help. But no! That pelican needed help and knew just where to go to get it!

There's a basin a quarter mile away where lots of pelicans hang around, so this feathered friend walked that distance for help.

The business of this facility is the study of fish and sharks, but the staff brought its new friend right on inside. A biologist held the bird by its belly and its beak, so that others could have access to the injuries.

It only took about five minutes to fix him or her up (although the staff said it seemed like an hour) and then someone carried it back to that basin, where it stretched and flapped its wings for a bit, and then flew off to do whatever a happy pelican does on a nice September day.

And everyone who works there had a cool story to share over dinner! 

 

A maize maze

Corn was important to Dolly Parton's family down there in Sevierville, eastern Tennessee - her "Tennessee Mountain Home" that she sang of. It was one of the crops that helped her Dad put food on the table for his large family.

They were not rich, as you know, but Dolly had a little dolly as a girl. Her mother made a doll out of a corn cob and used the shuck to make the toy a little dress, and Dolly was as happy as could be with that simple dolly.

All that is why Dolly was always pleased that people took the making corn mazes at this time of the year, and now, I see that many communities are making Dolly-themed mazes. In fact, as of now, the total is 20!

This is one I just read about in South Carolina, down near Enoree, with a maze in Dolly's image that was actually planned long before God called her home. And - good to hear - a portion of the proceeds will go to Dolly's Imagination Library, which gives books to kids. What could be better?

The organizers say if you don't find your way out in an hour and a half, they will send the "corn cops" in to help you out!

Lose Some, Winsome

Even if you aren't into football, just as a human being, you have to be interested in the tragedy and triumph of a young man named Tyler Loop, whose job it is to kick footballs for the Baltimore Ravens football team. 

How fast things can turn! This past January, Loop missed what would have been a game-winning field goal against the dreaded Pittsburgh Steelers. The 26-24 loss gave the American Football Conference title to the Steelers, denying same to the Ravens.

It must have been an awful off-season for Loop. How many times do you think he played out that final kick in his mind? And lots of people were screaming for the Ravens to find another kicker.

But they didn't. And yesterday, in the third game of the new season, Loop came through against the Dallas Cowboys in a game played a Maracanã Stadium in Rio de Janeiro. Once again, it came down to the final play, and this time, Loop made the points, hitting a field goal from 56 yards out for a 34-31 Ravens win.

They're calling it the Redemption in Rio, and I'll be there is not a happier young man in the air as I write this and the Ravens fly home on happy wings.

The whole thing reminds me of the faces of comedy and tragedy that dramatists employ to show the range of how things can go on this mortal coil. You're not meant to lose every time, and it stings when you do.

You're not going to win every time either, but it sure takes away some of that sting when you do!