Chipping away

Everything has to be the Official Something Or Other anymore. If you watched the Super Bowl, you were supposed to be feeling bad about yourself for smuggling in those store brand corn chips, instead of hewing to the NFL line and gobbling Tostitos, the Official Snack Chips of Super Bowl LI.

There is probably an Official Hemorrhoid Cream and an Official Athletic Supporter/Truss, but let's not worry about them now. The good people at Tostitos made a special bag for their salty snacks that actually functions as a breath-alcohol tester, the theory being that people who drank too much at a Super Bowl party would breathe on the bag before hopping in the Biscayne for the ride home.

If you were safe to drive, theoretically, the bag would light up green, clearing you, and you would drive on.

If you were too much under the affluence of incohol to get behind the wheel, the bag was to turn red and give you a coupon code good for 10 bucks off an Uber ride home.

Also, the sound of sirens played from the bag and a tiny police officer made of mashed corn would appear and place itty-bitty corn handcuffs on your wrists. No, not really. That would be silly.

The, the bag's fine print goes on to say, "This is not an actual breathalyzer. Under no circumstances should you rely on the results of the device to determine intoxication levels which may result in decisions to operate vehicles or equipment of any kind or participate in any type of activity, task or duty."

We could talk all day about the warning notices on commercials for drug products, commercials where they say not to take the stuff if you don't want to die or deal with uncontrolled discharges. There's also one on the Weather Channel, saying no to make travel or business plans just based on their 15-day forecast.

SO, to sum it up, they sell you a bag of snack chips, salted to make you guzzle more beer, and then if you drink too much beer, you can use the breathalyzer to determine your fitness to drive home, except you shouldn't rely on the results.

I was so confused. I had a bag of Utz Multigrain Pretzels and then blew on it. Results were negative - the remaining pretzels said nothing -  so I went to drive home, and then realized I was already there.