I heard on the news the other day that a former Secretary of State had his emails hacked and that he had referred to a certain presidential aspirant as a "piranha."
That sounded fishy to me. I think the newsreader meant to say "pariah," but whatever.
The fact that a former general and high-ranking government official's email account was easily penetrated by some geek with a Dell (or some geek with Adele, I can't say) means that we are all possible victims of the horror of having our most private emails, texts, and grocery lists exposed online to the readers of websites devoted to such.
I am taking the preemptive action, then, and releasing here the most controversial emails and texts on my phone, before some wise guy who lives with his mother and likes to sit in a bathtub filled with vanilla pudding breaks my password (MYPASSWORD) and reveals all:
from Peggy: "I love you."
to Peggy: "I love you too. How about KFC for dinner?"
from Peggy: "Don't forget your senior discount."
from the place where we buy cars: "We called you this afternoon to confirm your service appointment but you did not answer. Therefore, we are canceling your appointment scheduled for 10/7. Please do not reply to this message."
From the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration: "It is not possible to predict how leaving your bedroom window open, with the house air conditioner running, will cause there to be a frontal occlusion when the warm outside air meets the cool air inside. Therefore, your plan to create an indoor thunderstorm cannot be supported by this agency."
To the guy in the drive-thru window at KFC: "Eight-piece box, chicken only, extra crispy, Senior Discount."
To Autumn: "Where are you, anyway?"
To Brad Pitt: "The darkest hour is just before the dawn, buddy. Hold on. There will be someone new."
To AARP: "I know you think I'm old but I don't want to read your monthly magazine, chock full o' recipes, cautions about not being ripped off in internet schemes, and interviews with other people my age and even older. In my mind, I'm still 17, and that means I must be out of my mind."
To: my thought file: "Where would we be if, suddenly, magnetic force stopped working? Imagine all the debris in front of refrigerators!"
To SiriusXM radio: "Please notify me when you are no longer broadcasting the Garth Brooks channel (Channel 55.) There is no good reason for making people listen to him. I suggest a Cheap Trick channel, a Johnny Paycheck channel, or a Marching String Band channel instead."
To Kiefer Sutherland: "Career suggestion - maybe a show that doesn't concern itself with apocalyptic disaster would be a nice move...a sitcom, maybe called "Kiefer and His Pa" would be the ticket."
To every roadway flagperson in the world: "What in the world do you do all long to stop from losing your mind?"
From the Baltimore County School Board: "We are unable to grant your request to turn in a project for the 1964 Science Fair at this time. What's more, your plan to run a gasoline automobile on discarded salad bar leftovers seems destined to fail anyway."
To "Jack the Chimney Jack" - "Are you the same Jack as in Pepper Jack Cheese?"
From Jumbo Paintings Inc: "We are sorry to inform you that, even if you hire us to produce a six-foot painting of yourself for display in your palatial suburban home known as Mark-a-Lago, it will still not be lifesize, as you are well over six feet in height. For a slight additional fee, we can add another half a foot to accommodate your head or feet."
So you see, nothing is to be gained by hacking a hack such as I! (Actual password not used. Your mileage may vary. Castles Made of Sand is not the same company as BGE, a regulated utility.)