Only a bird in a guilty Cage

Well I lost my job ain't got a dime
I need a shaver I need a shine
I'm all hungover, got a mouth full of cotton
Guess I've arrived: this must be the bottom   (Del Reeves)

For those who remember Nicolas Cage as a bigtime movie star, winning an Academy Award for "Leaving Las Vegas," and my eternal respect for "Raising Arizona," it's quite a comedown to see that he has skidded to the bottom of the showbiz rungs in a huge hurry.

I know the five stages of an actor's career (Who's Nicolas Cage? Get me Nicolas Cage! Get Me a Nicolas Cage type! Get me a young Nicolas Cage! Who's Nicolas Cage?) and who knows which stage he is currently inhabiting? He first came to attention in "Valley Girl," which was one of those movies that Showtime and HBO ran a million times a month back when we all first got cable, so we became used to his sputtery slackjawedness and went back to see him in many movies.

But all of a sudden you read that he's in debt up to his arrears and making movies with titles such as "I Really Drive Way Too Fast 2" and we sadly realize that ol' Nic is really driving way too fast on his way to Palookaville.  

So now this, from Newser online: 

In a case of reality not imitating "art," Dog the notorious bounty hunter bailed actor Nicolas Cage out of jail. Reality star Duane "Dog" Chapman posted Cage's $11,000 bond after he was charged with domestic abuse and disturbing the peace over the weekend in New Orleans. "I am a truly dedicated fan," Dog, 58, said by way of explanation. "There are two sides of my job: I release my clients after they have been arrested; and pick them up if they don't show up in court. I do not believe the latter will be the case for Mr. Cage." Cage, 47, was busted after arguing loudly with his 27-year-old wife and dragging her down the street, said police. The actor, who appeared to be "heavily intoxicated" then began hitting cars, according to cops. He's due in court next month, reports People. Click for more details on Cage's French Quarter bust.

According to what the network news said over the weekend, New Orleans cops found Cage in this pixillated condition and said something like "Go home and sleep it off, Mac."  At least, that's what they always said in the old movies.  But no, Cage demanded to be arrested.  And then publicity-mad Duane Chapman, who prefers to be called "Dog" and presents a canine appearance to match, saw the opportunity to grab some headline sunshine of attention and showed up at the police station, waving the bail money.

They say that you really deserve a nice vacation if you look like your passport photo.  I guess we can also say, you need to take a few steps back if your mug shot looks like this    and someone who looks like this      comes to bail you out.   Come on back, Nicolas.  Give up the booze, get things in order and give us some more of that earnest-like-Jimmy Stewart yet edgy-like-Bogart acting, and let's forget this weekend, all right?