I hope they have fun

Aye Aye Aye do!

So, tomorrow, who's going to get up at 4 in the yawning to watch these two crazy kids get hitched?  Show of hands...one..two..three?

I remain amazed by the devotion of some Americans to the Royal Family.  I understand the devotion of English people to their activities, but until we see people wearing the Union Jack t-shirts to a Kennedy wedding, it does not seem to be reciprocated, and that upsets our balance of foreign trade.

True, his mother was an incandescent beauty and seemed to be a good soul.  People loved her around the world because she tried to do good things for people everywhere.  And when she met her end, it was not tough to understand the sorrow and the grief.

But, had I met Lady Di somewhere - at a baseball game, shopping at the outlet malls, or at a crab feast down at someone's shore house - I would not have felt compelled to bow and call her "Your Majesty," or "Lady Diana" or "Princess of Wales."  She was younger than I, and I, in all my grace, would have been perfectly at ease saying, "Hello, Diana; I'm Mark.  How are you?"  or a breezy, "Yo Di! 'Sup?"

Prince William here, or "Wills," same thing.  "Billy! Mr Willsworth!  Gettin' married! Flyin' a helicopter!  Whirlybird Willie!" I would chant, until a guy with a stiff upper lip and a tweed vest walked up to me and said, "Now see 'ere!  Hrrrrmph!"


I also read that Willie is not planning to wear a wedding ring.  Well, sir, mine has been on my left meathook since 1973 and will not be coming off.  That little band of gold means that a wonderful woman was willing to commit her love to me, and joined us for all time in the circle of love in which we dwell.  And I hope that his thinking isn't, well, "I can still do the 'in 'n' out scream 'n' shout' and no one will know I'm married."  This sort of poor thinking has led to trouble for people such as Gary Hart and Tiger Woods, and he ought to avoid angering his grandmother, "Queen" Elizabeth, who seems to have even less of a sense of humor than John Boehner.

Gary "Glitter" Goldsmith

I also read that Kate, or Kate, as she likes to be called, has a drunk uncle named Gary Goldsmith, who sold his computer business for $275 million, canoodles with hookers, does cocaine on video and has now, according to reports, been told by Palace bigshots to knock it off.  I bet you anything, a guy with a stiff upper lip and a tweed suit and a mustache and a monocle showed up and said, "Now see 'ere, Mr Goldsmith..."


Mom's a drama queen, uncle-in-law's a party guy, brother dresses in Nazi regalia.  I just figured out why Americans love these people so much.  They're just like us after all!