Friday, December 3, 2010
Four crying out loud
Well, for those of you who enjoy the brisk, refreshing taste of 4 Loko - the bold new taste of the with-it generation - you'd better drink up fast. Cities and counties all over the map are banning the drink, and with good reason. It can't be good for you to drink this stuff, as it contains four (hence the name) main ingredients: alcohol, caffeine, taurine, and guarana to drive you loco (hence the other part of the name.) It also contains carbonated water, sugar, and natural and artificial flavoring.
Taurine, as it turns out, is an organic acid found in bile, and that's what I look for in a sport-utility beverage. Lots of bile! Bring on the bile! I want to be able to remark, "Say, that's good bile!"
Guarana, according to those in the know, is the nut-like seed of a climbing vine that grows in the Amazon basin in Brazil. And you'll be pleased to read that in the United States, Guarana holds a GRAS-status (Generally Regarded As Safe), much like Paris Hilton.
So the bottom line is, this drink is the equivalent of three cans of beer and two cups of coffee, which would, surely, drive one loco. No one needs to guzzle three beers and two coffees at once. The combination of the sedative alcohol and the stimulant caffeine must be like Woody Allen's old comic bit about opening his windows on a cold winter day, so that the warm front in his apartment would meet the cold front coming in, and produce a snowstorm right in his living room.
This is not what your body is crying out for, so it's good that the makers of 4 Loko are going to stop making their vile fluid.
Now, if we can just get someone to stop selling Diet Cherry Dr Pepper, we'll be all right!