Fly me to the moon

Neil Page, Del Griffith

"Trains, Planes and Automobiles" must be on one of the movie channels next week; it's a federal law.

All this talk about travel, right before next Wednesday, which is, as we all know, The Busiest Travel Day Of The Year.


Then comes Thanksgiving, and that's followed by The Busiest Shopping Day Of The Year.

I'll tell you who might not be shopping, and that would be the people who travel by air.  Everyone's all worked up about the Federal Air Transport Armed Security Service and their new policy: either you submit to an x-ray, which you know will be passed from agent to agent and goofed on at countless holiday parties, or you step up and let them have at you with The Pat-Down Supreme. With cheese.

Members of your same sex will be touching your junk.

And so once again I choose not to travel by air.

"What do you mean, 'Tuesday' ?"

But I'm having a hard time understanding people.  We do want the airplanes to be full of people that we are totally 100% sure are not carrying guns, bombs, flamethrowers, incendiary devices, knives, anything sharp, anything flammable, or anything bearing scary images of a Kardashian sister that might be used to stun a pilot and divert his attention.  We want safety in the sky and we want everyone checked thoroughly.  That guy over there, for instance.  He looks rather sketchy.

But we don't want to have any inconvenience or delay while traveling!  So unless you know a way to have it two ways, the best way to get to grandmother's house is to pile the kids in the Biscayne and hit the interstate.  Exits with diners, gas and lodging are clearly marked, as are the signs that say that the NorthSide Chowder and Marching Society has adopted this stretch of the road.  And you'll skip those nasty waiting lines in stanky airports, where masses of humanity snake about in serpentine lines, waiting for flight 1492 to Plymouth Rock.  While they're in line or graciously being interviewed by CBS for a report on tonight's Evening News, you're sailing down I-95 without a care in the world.

Uh, better frisk the older kids before starting off; you can't be too safe these days.