Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I heard the news today. Oh, boy.

No greater proof exists of the passage of Memorial Day than the rampant rumor that General Larry Platt was dead, beaten to death by gangsters who disliked his "Pants On The Ground" song that was so doggone popular for five minutes.

You see, about this time of year, all the middle-schoolers of America, and all the people who drive them to school, have essentially shut down their crania for the season. The teachers might just as well be pantomiming their lectures (and it would be even funnier if they did!) for all the attention that's being paid. All those American History classes that, back in September, had planned to be speaking of the Watergate break-in by this time of the year are instead just about to crack the books on the Teapot Dome scandal. Teapot Dome was a scandal involving a Republican president and some bribery over leases of the oil rights out there. At the time (1923) it was big news, enough to tarnish the reputation of President Warren G. Harding, who was so upset by all this that he hung around the White House and got a little more dome for himself. Today, a president being involved with crooked oil deals is hardly even mentioned on FOX news, to show you how far we've come.

To this day, there are historians who claim that Warren G. Harding only got elected in the first place because he looked like a president. It's sure a presidential name, isn't it? You wouldn't feel right if the man in the white house were to be named Mickey Klompas or something.

So the middle schools were full of the buzz that noted military figure General Platt had been taken down by his own troops, but such was not the case. It does seem to happen to everyone who takes the center of the public soon as we make you famous, we tell each other that you're dead. Paul McCartney, Henry "Fonzie" Winkler, Paris Hilton, Jim Varney...huh? He is? Well, when did that happen? It wasn't covered in History class!

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