J + K + 8 - (dignity + class) =

I was probably the last person in America to hear about these Jon and Kate + Eight people. I guess the first time I did hear anything about them, I thought they were a singing group...the names sound vaguely folk-y, and the Eight might have been their denim-and-gingham-clad back up singers. You know, like the Serendipity Singers or the Backporch Majority or Up With People, the most annoying aggregation ever to keep me awake during a mandatory assembly in my turbulent high school years. I still remember them, resplendent in red, white and blue, singin' and dancin' and making merry like 4th of July, the underlying tone being, "Be like us! Vote for Nixon and let's rule the world!"

Anyway. Jon and Kate and the poor undeserving-of-their-Fate 8 are this show on the Learning Channel or Discovery or one of those networks that I avoid like hot sauce on Wheaties. I guess you know the story: someone thought it would be a great idea to have cameras invade the lives of a couple who in turn thought it would be a great idea to ruin their children's childhoods by having cameras invade their lives. There's no dignity anymore, just photo ops and publicity tours. There are no private family moments, no chances to instruct the kids and teach them the ways to grow up properly without a horde of transfixed voyeur/viewers sitting home watching.

And then, of course, right as the new season for this foolishness is about to kick off, both Jon and Kate just have to have themselves photographed while accompanied by members of the opposite sex who are not their respective spouses. Now, then. As someone who is often seen talking to women who are not my wife, I have to point out that being seen in public with other people is not in and of itself a wrong thing. But being seen leaving some teacher's house at 3 in the morning, Jon, might cast a shadow of suspicion your way. Unless she was teaching you..oh, never mind.

Then Kate, not to be outdone, heads for some beach, fresh tummy-tuck scars all healed and showing lots of epidermis in 87 different bikinis. I've always been a fan of people who wear a bathing suit at the beach and then splash around in the water's edge, being careful NOT to mess up the hair. This Kate, her hair is the ultimate helmet, and she must have stylists, colorists and beauty operators on call 24-7 to care for her every tonsorial need. I'm sure that all mothers of 8 - yea, mothers of any number - can relate to having so much time to lavish on the hair, the plastic surgery, the publicity campaign.

Judge Mark swinging the gavel down here: Jon and Kate, you wanted all these kiddies, well, you go raise them in relative privacy, will you? Leave more room on cable for Bret Michaels and his "If I wear a bandana every day, do you think they'll catch on to my hair loss problem?" show.