Bob-bob-bobblin' along

I speak today of a huge gap in America's artistic ability.

Now I know what you're thinking, this Luddite, this philistine, how dare he assail the works of the great American artists: Jackson "Splatter" Pollock, Georgia "New Mexico" O'Keeffe, Ansel "B&W 8x10" Adams and Grandma "Grandma" Moses? Well, it's because I don't know anything about what I like; all I know is Art.

Art Fleming, Art Linkletter, Art Van De Lay: these people all deserve to have bobbleheads in their own images, the better to glorify their names and deeds.

But the people - dare we call them "artists"? - who create our bobbleheads have real problems in coming up with bobbleheads that even remotely look like the subject thereof.

Your honor, I submit this as Exhibit 'A.' Lester Holt made a Hanukkah gift of this bobblehead, which purportedly looks like Barry Manilow, to his co-host on Sunday TODAY, the marvelous Jenna Wolfe. Look at the face here - you seein' Barry? Nor do I.

Someone has been hawking this one in honor of Sammy Davis, Jr. It more closely resembles a tanned Robert Goulet. And I mean that, man.

The first bobbleheads I can remember seeing were in the football motif - I had a little pudgy BALTIMORE Colt (is there any other kind?) - and here we see Mr Peyton Manning's little bobbler, the spitting image of Steve Carell. And the one of Tom Brady puts me in mind of none other than Don Ameche.

This artistic shortcoming also rears ugly heads when Americans turn to sculpture. Up the road in Aberdeen, our own sainted Cal Ripken, Jr., was honored with a statue of himself right alongside Rt. 40. It looked for all the world as if someone had a statue all made up to salute New York's diminutive Mayor Bloomberg, and when that order was canceled, they quickly sculpted a new head and grafted it onto the shoulders, the entire result bearing no more resemblance to Cal than it did to Owen Wilson.

And need I even mention the statue of Babe Ruth at Oriole Park at Camden Yards - in the very shadow of the neighborhood where young Babe was adjudged "incorrigible" and remanded to the care of the orphanage where he learned to make shirts and play baseball - a statue which shows the Babe with a right-hander's glove? The Babe did everything left-handed - ask any chorus girl, bartender or any other sculptor.

I only bring this up because I fear America might lose its pre-eminent status among the art world's cognoscenti. Already, Mexico is challenging our global supremacy in the field of gunning each other down for no reason, and England has retaken the lead in the production of English muffins.

Let's not let some second-rate power top us in bobblehead glory. May I have the audacity to hope for that much?