American Jurisprudence

Here's the news story:

Thomas Jane has pleaded no contest to drunken driving after he was clocked doing 120 mph in a Maserati.

The star of last year's movie "The Mist" and 2004's "The Punisher" pleaded no contest Tuesday to a misdemeanor count of driving under the influence. Jane wasn't in the courtroom but made the plea through his lawyer.

Jane, who's married to Emmy-winning "Medium" star Patricia Arquette, was sentenced to a year of probation, $1,700 in fines and must take alcohol abuse classes.

Two other alcohol and drug charges and two speeding tickets were dismissed.

Police stopped the 39-year-old actor twice on Interstate 5 in Kern County last March for speeding. After a third stop, he was arrested for drunken driving.

Here is what I would like to say, your honor. I shall keep my remarks brief so that the honorable court, this jury, and the crowd in the gallery can dash home and see Mr Jane play Mickey Mantle in the engrossing biopic "*61." (pause for laughter.)

Your honor, Judge Whoozit, those of us who reside in the world of actually doing responsible things were kind of wondering how it is that Mr Jane did not actually have to take time off from his busy schedule of making movies that no one ever goes to see in order to drop by the courtroom and see how his trial was coming along? What could possibly have been more important on the day of his trial that he had to send his mouthpiece to the courthouse instead? I'm certain that Kern County Cali has plenty of sheriff's deputies, police officers and crowd control experts who could have dealt with what certainly would have been a roiling throng of Thomas Jane admirers, hoping to see his slumpy grin light up your courtroom.

And Mr. Jane, Baltimore native that you are, and soon to turn forty: have you given much thought to the way you are conducting your life? Do you not see a problem with driving your Maserati at 120 miles per hour on a public road? Twice? Three times, and while intoxicated? While you were cruising about that March day, did you wonder if anyone else was on the road, or did you even care? Sure, anyone can make a mistake, judge not lest ye be and all that, but come on, Mr. Jane.

I was all set to talk about the picture above featuring your pneumatic wife and you with the Stanley Laurel haircut, and Oliver Hardy jacket and tie and I don't even know whose plaid kilt. Drunky McDrivey, maybe? I just have to wonder, and I seriously ask this of the public, of the judge and of Mr Jane, what possible reason is there for not putting this no-talent assclown in jail for at least a couple of months? It's how we teach our recalcitrant children; we punish them.

If this man had killed someone you love...think about it.