A man in my position (horizontal when possible) has to guard against chicanery, so I like to offer tips to help my handlers, advisers and top staff personnel tell if an enemy has dragged the real "me" off to an undisclosed location and substituted another individual in my place.
You know, just in case. It's only happened once so far. In the late 1960's, a Mexican national named Señor Prom successfully masqueraded in my place for several weeks, only to be unmasked upon showing the ability to dance. If he shows up again these days, he will probably be known as Señor Discount..just so you know.
If this person claiming to be I says he'd rather eat at some swanky French bistro and sip wine instead of grabbing a plate of fried clams and guzzling iced tea at a diner, this person is not I. Nor is the guy who disdains a plate of hams-and-eggs so he can belly up to one of those healthy breakfast saloons - the so-called "granola bars."
So, Peggy and I had dinner at the diner the other night and then paraded on down to the WalMart for a bit of shopping, a bit of walking around, and to enjoy the wide array of merchandise that makes our nation so enjoyable.
I wound up talking to a young woman who was working as a front-end supervisor. (There was some sort of mixup on the price of a certain item, and she resolved it in my favor!) I told her I had heard on the radio that, on Thanksgiving evening, WalMarts across the nation collectively were selling five thousand items per second. She said that sounded about right.
Without a trace of self-pity, she answered my question about how many hours she had been working. She worked Thanksgiving night from 5 PM until 7 Friday morning, came back in Friday at 3 and worked until 1 Saturday morning and then was back in since 3 on Saturday afternoon and expected to get off at around midnight, so she could get some sleep and be back in at 9 on Sunday morning.
Another way you would know if a clone were trying to take my place would be to read that I sided with a corporate monolith against the working people whose work enables the giant to prosper. This young woman is working 12 - 14 hours a day to earn money for her life, and by doing so in such a professional and kind way, she is enabling WalMart to have the same customers come back and spend their money again and again.
You'd think they would pay her more.