Saturday, October 1, 2011

Hey Now!

I’ve been doing this tribute to October 1 since the days of the Larry Sanders Show on Showtime.  Talk show host Larry had an unctuous sidekick named Hank Kingsley, who wrote a monthly three-dot journalism column called “Hank’s Thoughts” for his fan club’s newsletter.  Three-dot journalism is that Larry King sort of writing, where disjointed mental flotsam is joined by the use of…three dots…

Hank’s column started with the seemingly profound statement, “Well, it’s October.  And we all know what that means.”  

Here are Mark’s thoughts.

Well, it’s October, and we all know that means no more baseball in Boston.  We enjoyed seeing the Red Sox collapse this year! Nice to see Bill Buckner in the crowd for that final game down at Camden Yards…No truth to the rumor that 5 of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted Men have found a great hideout: they got talk shows on OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network, and no one has seen them since…One amusing part of becoming a sexagenarian is that the younger people at work would sooner give up their fedoras than call me by my first name.  They don’t want to call me “Mr” and yet they don’t want to call me “Mark” so they don’t even call me…Have you ever seen Seth “Family Guy” MacFarlane without that smirk ‘n’ smile?  Me neither…Research shows that only 10% of the populace can pronounce “edamame” and the other 90% of us salute you…In Toronto, a trial is going on involving a former physician who gave that career up to become a stalker of Shania Twain.  He has been ordered to keep 500 meters away from the singer.  Good thing I’m not a Canadian stalker; if they gave me that sentence, all I could say would be, “How far is 500 meters, Judge?”…My favorite Baskin-Robbins double-dipper: nutty coconut on the ground floor, with Pistachio Almond towering overhead…Clergymen from all over who have been all over spreading the gospel to those in need say it’s the best job ever! “You just can’t beat a missionary position,” beams one happy preacher…How about that rumor that says Preakness winner Shackleford is up for the lead in “The Prince Charles Story”, out soon from M-G-M? Don’t bet against him!…FLOTUS? She doesn’t even know us!  But how cool is it that Michelle Obama shops at Target.  Try to picture Laura Bush running down there to pick up some picture frames, tights, Fruit ‘N’ Nut mix and some coloring books for George…You can use shower gel for shampoo and shampoo for shower gel, but just forget about using shaving cream to brush your teeth…My pick of the new TV shows: Maria Bello in “Prime Suspect” and Zooey Deschanel in “New Girl.” Returning favorites include “I Make a Lying Ass of Myself Every Night on FOX,” starring the whimsical Bill O’Reilly, and “Let’s All Holler At Once,” with Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sherri Shepherd, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck…James Dean died on 9/30/55.  He only lived long enough to see 23 Octobers.  Make yours a great one, won’t you? 

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