Monday, August 22, 2011

The polite death threat



What you'll see below is an actual email that I actually received.  I
thought it
was interesting that the people who make such a nice living sending 
bogus email schemes have stepped it up a notch: 

___________________________________________________________________
I am very sorry for you, is a pity that this is how your life is going to
end as soon as you don't comply. As you can see we are the members
of the Deadly Networks in the world, which is responsible 
for the bombing of 
twin tower’s in America on Sept. 11th and the 
bombing of London transport
services on July 7th (AL-QAEDA NETWORKS WORLDWIDE),
I don't have any
business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just 
to KILL you and
I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.

Someone whom you called your friend wants you dead by 
all means, and this
person have spent a lot of money in this venture, This person 
came to us and 
told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with
your name, picture
and other necessary information's we needed about you.

So I sent my boys to track you down this including bugging of
your phones 
with satellite tracking devices and they have carried out the
necessary 
investigation we needed for the operation on you, and if you 
doubt this
information am going to give you all the necessary 
information about you
back to you in your next reply so that you can believe me, and 
my boys are 
really on you but I told them not to kill you that I will
like to contact you and
see if your life is important to you and the one of your family. 
I called my 
client back and ask him of your email address which I didn't
tell him what I
wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it
to contact you
now. As I am writing you this mail my men are monitoring
you and they 
are telling me everything about you.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? Since all program has be
made and draw 
to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to
spare your Life, $15,000 is all you need to spend in this process you
will first of all Pay $8,000 and then I will send a tape to 
you which I recorded in every discussion I had with the person 
who wanted 
you dead and as soon as you get the Tape,You will pay the remaining 
balance of $7,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry 
on with my job straight-up.

WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR 
EVEN TELLING 
ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW ,REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU 
VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD! I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, 
INCASE
I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT YOUR TELLING THE SECURITY 
ABOUT
IT BECAUSE A GOOD LOOK IS OUT YOU AT THE MOMENT.
DO NOT COME 
OUT ONCE IT IS 7PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU 
AND GIVE YOU 
THE TAPE OF ALL DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT 
YOU DEAD
THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION. GOOD 
LUCK AS I
AWAIT YOUR REPLY

Ayman Alzawahiri,


The information contained in this e-mail, including any accompanying
documents or attachments, is from Terrorist-Network, is intended only 
for the use of the individual or entity named above, and is privileged 
and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, be aware that any 
disclosure, dissemination, distribution, copying or use of the contents of 
this message is strictly prohibited. Thank you for your cooperation.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

 This is a big step up, as I say.  These folks used to send me 
emails detailing 
how they love me and hate to bother me like they hate sudden 
gazelle 
attacks, but they did want me to know that with his last
gasp of earthly air,
their late husband, Mr Roboto, managed to say that he wanted
to bequeath
to me his entire fortune, conservatively estimated at $3.2 USD. 
(I have
come to believe that they always say "USD" to stand for
"Ur So Dumb.") 
The problem always was that the rebel forces that were
gaining on the 
capital also had the writer's bank account tied up, so if I
just could see my
clear to sending the writer $200,000 USD, she could bribe the 
corrupt military
strongman and electronically forward the money directly to my bank 
account, since I was going to give her that number and my
Social Security
number and the combination to my toolbox.

Maybe that approach to separating me from my few USDs got 
a little old, so
let's hear it for the new angle!  Gotta love the honesty of "my
duty as I am
mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as
I have already been
paid for that!"  Oh, how many times do we hire someone
to kill someone and
find out later that they didn't kill that someone, but took
the money and spent
it on someone else!  Here's a man honest enough to say,
look, dude,
I got to kill you, since I've been paid to do so!  There's a 
professional pride
here.

And just as I started looking for a copy
of my 
will and arranging my personal effects, 
I get to 
the end and find that there IS a way 
out of this
predicament!  For just $8,000 USD,
he will give
me a cassette tape!  Side A will be 
his
conversations with the person(s) who 
want(s)
me dead, and side B will be REO Speedwagon's  
Hi Infidelity.  What's not to like about Kevin 
Cronin's reedy tenor and the immortal anthem  
Keep On Loving You?


And for $7,000 USD more, the terrorist will stop
terrorizing me.  But wait,there's more! If you call before tomorrow
night, 
REO Speedwagon will also come to your house and sing all their hits.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not a day goes by without me winning (without having participated)a lottery or a slice of a huge hidden treasure.
I always wonder who steps into that. Perhaps someone who spells equally bad as the sender.
But death threats are somewhat more personal and I wonder when they will become as common practice as the lottery scams. You are not too impressed, it seems. It would be ironic if you indeed offended a friend to the extent that he hires this help, you ignore it and are rubbed out as a consequence.
I'd miss your blog.

Mark said...

And I would miss writing it. Thank you very much!