Sunday, August 21, 2011

Promise Us Anything

One thing I love about Michele Bachmann, that cheerful little earful from Minn-a-SOOOOOOOOOOOOOda, is her incessant stupidity, delivered in a grating adenoidal whine.

Here's the latest, all meant to fool the rubes:

Bachmann promises $2/gal gas as president

Republicans discuss debt ceiling in Washington
Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-MN, speaks during a news conference regarding the debt ceiling on Capitol Hill in Washington, DC, on July13, 2011. UPI/Roger L. Wollenberg 
GREENVILLE, S.C., Aug. 17 (UPI) -- Republican U.S. presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann promises voters gas prices would fall to $2 per gallon if she makes it to the White House in 2013.
Speaking Tuesday at a town hall meeting in South Carolina, the Tea Party favorite said her energy policies would send gas prices plummeting, The Hill reported.
"Under President Bachmann, you will see gasoline come down below $2 per gallon again. That will happen," the Minnesota congresswoman said, arguing expanded drilling off both U.S. coasts and in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge would cause America to be awash with oil and gas.
A gallon of regular gasoline goes for an average $3.60, and prices have trended downward of late, the Energy Information Administration said Monday. Gas hasn't been below $2 a gallon since 2009 after plummeting after the economy had collapsed into deep recession.

Yes , "President Bachmann," two words that go together like corn flakes and pizza.  She said it.  And why not?  Why not make inane promises to those residents of Greenville SC with nothing better to do on a Thursday afternoon than to listen to hear speak.  Certainly, if there is one thing her Republican't party has always stood for, it's lower prices for consumers, because of their tradition of noble self-sacrificing corporations, which are people, by the way.  Just ask the Mitt!

And, of course, our good friends over in Saudi Arabia wouldn't dream of cutting back on production after we drill, baby, drill and squeeze every last drop out of the shale.  Those Bedouins in burnooses would never take advantage of the American motorist by reducing the supply of oil, so it looks like there are no impediments to the Bachmann Turn Her Overdrive!

I sincerely want to help the nasal Bachmann, who for all the world reminds me of someone's loony aunt that you get stuck with at the beach house for a weekend, so I am suggesting the following other goofy promises she could offer for the easily enchanted:

  •    50¢ Big Macs
  •    your choice of either H. or R. Block will come to your house in early April and prepare your taxes at no charge
  •    you will be entitled to a free x-ray of any body part every other Friday at participating WalMart walk-in clinics
  •    every American home will be outfitted with a new Whirlpool chest freezer, because no one should be without a frozen chest
  •    also, every home will be given a new Tappan® range and oven. (Tappan, the leader in kitchen appliances since 1888.)
  •    a foolproof plan and an airtight alibi
  •    leather jackets, real cowhide, for a low, low $49.95
  •    All restaurants will be required to have, right with the salt, pepper,  sugar, and Skinny 'n' Sweet, a shaker can of Old Bay Seasoning
  •   Betty White will win an Oscar, a Tony, an Emmy and a Grammy for her one-woman show saluting Ed Asner, "Lou!"
  •  serpents will no longer be allowed to bargain for the right to squirm
  •  the price of catsup will be tied to the price of gasoline, so we'll be paying less than two bucks for a bottle of Hunt's finest.
If people are willing to buy her empty gas-price promises, who's to say they wouldn't go for the rest of these?  I offer them in all sincerity. 

No comments: