Goose Me

"Pâté de foie gras" is a French term meaning "something I wouldn't eat if you spooned it out to me on golden doubloons with Alexis Grace doin' the spoonin'. With the marvelous economy of words that is a hallmark of the French language, they say so much with so few words, n'est-ce pas? (Literally, "huh?")




What it is, is a French delicacy made from specially-fattened goose or duck liver. This raises certain questions.

• How does a duck get specially fattened?



• How do you get down from an elephant?



• Did the duck pay cash for a Cherry Chapstick?

and right back came the answers.

• A duck or goose becomes specially fattened through a process known as 'gavage,' in which corn is literally forced down their necks in the style of American sycophants being force-fed their conservative doctrine.




• You get down from a duck.




• No, he told the clerk to put it on his bill.

SO there you go. It's someone's job to jam a feeding tube down the throat of a duck or goose - talk about fowl work environments - and then when the liver of said animal is as bloated as Bill O'Reilly's ego, the goose's goose is cooked and his liver is turned into something rich, buttery and delicate and served in various forms. According to Wikipedia, this substance is enjoyed in mousse, parfait or pâté form, along with stuff that people might actually wish to consume, such as toast or steak.

All right, now we come to the meat of the discussion. Out in Columbia, MD, which is an entire city built the ground up 40-some years ago out of former farmland, there is a restaurant which serves this food for their patrons. Suits me. I last visited Columbia in 1971 and have seen no reason to return since, and surely goose liver parfait is not going to be what gets me turned around on that issue.

But, for those who want to have it, let them eat all they want!

Animal rights protesters have raised a stink about the restaurant, known as the Iron Bridge Wine Company, having the guts to sell liver. Listen, this is not my kind of restaurant at all. Most people I know would find it adorable and check out the wine list and have the times of their lives chowing down on food that is "plated" and "presented." Being a Howard Stern sort of guy from a Martha Stewart sort of family, I have experienced both the swanky and the stanky, and let's just say that the one French word I like to hear around mealtime is ''buffet.'' But this is what the protesters (apparently it was done by them, but one cannot rule out copy-cat spray painting by socially conscious graffiti-tagging kids) do when they don't like your menu offerings in Coumbia MD.

Their choices are:

• A) spray "get rid of the foie gras" on the stone sidewalk
• B) break the windows of the place
• C) eat someplace else.

Oh, would that they could 'C' their way clear to a form of protest that doesn't damage the property of others!