A funny way of putting it

All those years of working at 911 made me quite the literalist. One has to be so when involved with emergencies, and the verbal interaction sometimes leaves a lot of unanswered questions hanging in the air.

The famous example, probably apocryphal, is the one where the guy calls 911 because his wife is about to give birth. He answers all the questions ("how many months is she? Has her water broken? How many minutes between contractions?") until he gets to the last one ("Is this her first baby?") and he answers, "No, this is her husband."

Ba-rummmp. Hey, I'm here all week, try the veal piccata, and don't forget to tip your waiter...they do work hard for you, ladies and gentlemen.

Along with providing the uninitiated with a thorough look at the coupling and separating habits of their fellow citizens (anyone who ever worked there could write an entire chapter called "Funky Stuff that Happened in Motels"), a 911 stint teaches one to hear every word said and consider them all. More often than you'd think, people call and say that "someone broke in and stole the tv- a brand-new 37-inch Sony - and they started a fire in the kitchen and they spray-painted graffiti all over the living room and ran out after smacking Raoul upside his head" and did you notice, in the midst of all that mayhem and poor Raoul getting his melon thunked, that they needed the Fire Department to come along with the police?

Also more often than you'd think, people called with that insouciant tone, saying things such as, "Oh, that son of mine just shot my husband. Would it be too much trouble to send a police car out here?"

So that's I: Mr. Literal. You tell me about a bull in a china shop, and I'm going to get Animal Control to back me up.

Now then. (Ever stop to think about that expression? Now. Then. Which one? Can't be both! Like George Carlin said about "At any rate..." "6 7/8ths!!!")

Now then...I am not a Biblical scholar by any means, although I am fairly religious and hold to the standard Protestant tenets. But when I hear "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again" from Ecclesiastes, all I could think of was how soggy the bread would be, once cast upon waters, and, really, what good does that do for anyone?

It turns out that some Bible experts figure that the seeds in the loaves of bread in those days, when the Nile had washed away, would sprout again, making new grains to make new bread. Now it all makes sense.

Next: " Pride goeth before a fall." To me, you're strutting around with your pride, and you fall, and THEN the pride goeth...after the pratfall that amused everyone down by the water cooler. Got to go look this one up too, unless you can lend some expertise...