She's young, maybe 19 or 20, I guess, and I only know her casually, but she seemed to share all this, and I was glad to listen. She is such a sweet girl, and I want to help, if only by listening. Listening costs nothing, and who knows? Now and again, you might just be able to toss an insight, a little shared experience out there, that might help. I hope so. One thing I have learned in such situations is, no matter how clear-cut the proper steps might be to someone who has strutted down life's hallways three times as long as the other person, you just don't want to say,"Here's what you ought to do." It's a better learning and sharing experience when the approach is more like,"You know, I know someone who went through this one time, and here's what (s)he found was a pretty good way to handle it..."
That was the drill. They were friends, and he had this big idea to date, and they had been dating for six months or so, and now he really has it bad. In story and song, he's rapturously saluting the day in history on which they met, he's talking about the kids they will have, he's planning weddings, honeymoons, furniture for the cozy little love nest they will soon inhabit. He is over-the-moon-in love.
And she is not.
And she feels horrible about it, and has been postponing the inevitable for some time, while she figures out a way to put the guy wise. A gentle way, a poetic way, a way that will restore the happy giddy go-to-the-movies together kind of friendship they once enjoyed and shall again.
Buddy Holly
lyric time:When you love her and she doesn't love you
You're only learning the game
When she says that you're the only one she'll ever love
Then you find that you are not the one she's thinking of
Feeling so sad and you're all alone and blue
That's when you're learning the game
So everyone goes through it, this thing called Learning the Game. Sinatra called it Learnin' the Blues...ring-a-ding-ding, baby. We've all been through it, or should have been - everyone's been the dumpee; everyone's been the dumper (sometimes without even knowing it!)
My thought was to tell her NOT to go to cliches about how "we can still be friends - great friends! - better than ever, because now the mystery of what it would have been like if we had dated is not hanging over us." He doesn't want to hear that.
Ditto for "It's not you, it's me." (Of course, a grammatically-conscious dumper would say "it's not you, it's I" and then the dumpee would be all "What?" "Who?")
And of course, let's rule out,"At least we tried, and it just didn't work out. Sorry!"
I told her of a friend who handled this by leaving the "you" and "me" out of it entirely, and just pointed out that "we" tried and the levels of attraction just didn't match up.
I hope it works out, for the sake of both of them. Again, she is a very nice young lady, and for the life of her, she does not want to hurt the guy, which is so admirable! It tears me up to see the pain she's in. Twenty, thirty years from now, their eyes might meet in some mall or muffineria or in the big state-operated recharging station where everyone has to go once a month or so for fifteen minutes to recharge their long-range electric cars. This happens all the time, and it's nice when people - such as she is doing - handle it with sensitivity and kindness.
Let's hope they both realize they were important steps for each other in the way of building stronger hearts, not breaking them.
If you've been there, you know what I mean. If you haven't, remember, " 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred, Lord Tennyson
, 1850.Or, "I'd rather love and lose you than never know your love at all." Charley Pride
, 1971.I tell you this, there is no problem on this earth yet to be discussed by either old-school country music or The Simpsons
!
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