When I was suffering through that cliche rock star year (27) I was so busy blaming and lamenting the shitty job my parents did, my ex-husband's mind games and sexual games and games.games.games-I almost went insane: self mutilation, drug abuse, depression, RAGE at the planet, at everyone, at myself...inward and outward I became pure darkness... Then, someone I had always noticed in my circle of acquaintances came around-he was never really sure about me, but we always talked and had much in common. After one chance encounter at a wedding, we clicked, he came over: never left. 4 years later and one baby and counting...I truly did slay all those demons because I could finally say that I was worthy of healthy love and relationships...After my divorce when I was still dripping with negativity I attracted my match-my equal. A low self esteemer with a huge gaping hole to fill caused by a lifetime of abuse from an alcoholic parent. We fed off each other, he fed me coke, I fed him lies and pain, he beat me and almost choked me to death--all along I had a quiet voice in my head which finally got louder saying "You don't have to BE this person, it's a role you're playing, it's not real" The whole time I would have dreams and sighitngs of my future husband. He enamated light and I took to it like a dying plant that had been neglected in a fucking basement somewhere. Blooming now, I can channel those dark days for creative writing or shamanic initiation for the enlightened 30 something housewife that I am. Chained down by the monotony of domesticity and farm work-I love every minute of it. Truly, we get as much love as we think we deserve-after we work out all those childhood issues.
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When I was suffering through that cliche rock star year (27) I was so busy blaming and lamenting the shitty job my parents did, my ex-husband's mind games and sexual games and games.games.games-I almost went insane: self mutilation, drug abuse, depression, RAGE at the planet, at everyone, at myself...inward and outward I became pure darkness...
Then, someone I had always noticed in my circle of acquaintances came around-he was never really sure about me, but we always talked and had much in common. After one chance encounter at a wedding, we clicked, he came over: never left. 4 years later and one baby and counting...I truly did slay all those demons because I could finally say that I was worthy of healthy love and relationships...After my divorce when I was still dripping with negativity I attracted my match-my equal. A low self esteemer with a huge gaping hole to fill caused by a lifetime of abuse from an alcoholic parent. We fed off each other, he fed me coke, I fed him lies and pain, he beat me and almost choked me to death--all along I had a quiet voice in my head which finally got louder saying "You don't have to BE this person, it's a role you're playing, it's not real"
The whole time I would have dreams and sighitngs of my future husband. He enamated light and I took to it like a dying plant that had been neglected in a fucking basement somewhere. Blooming now, I can channel those dark days for creative writing or shamanic initiation for the enlightened 30 something housewife that I am. Chained down by the monotony of domesticity and farm work-I love every minute of it.
Truly, we get as much love as we think we deserve-after we work out all those childhood issues.
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