'Stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

Just as the din from our holiday revelry ceases, our nation bows its collective head and weeps bitter tears for a tragedy so ineffable, so..well, so tragic, that we mortals can but bow and weep.

Oprah has gained weight.

In other news, Rod Blagojevich might be in trouble.

The national obsession with Oprah's weight puzzles me. I thought we were all working toward a newer consciousness where people were to be valued for their contributions and judged by their honor. She is doing her job and people seem to like her a whole lot, so who cares if she puts on a few extra lbs.?

Larry King, the sage to whom a troubled nation turns in troubled times, convened a panel tonight on his show. Comprising Oprah's spiritual adviser, physical trainer, and medical expert, the panel spoke of Oprah and her thyroid trouble and her vitamin D deficiency and her ceaseless quest to help us all Lead Our Best Lives. One of them piped up with his theory that Oprah is eating more because she is stressed. He knew what to do to help, just as he always has.

But you know what? Peggy made a point so plangent that I had to turn and run up here to the den to blog it up at once. My wonderful and astute wife pointed out that Elvis was also surrounded by a retinue of advisers, telling him how wonderful he was, do this, do that, take this "supplement," eat this, perform here, good bye E.
Peggy notes that Elvis and Oprah were/are both masters of performance, perfectly capable of giving an audience their best at all times, yet less than stellar at taking care of themselves, depending instead on a coterie of coaches who may or may not be on the up and up. This upset Peggy, who values Oprah highly.

So Oprah, AS IF you'd ever stumble down my dim avenue in Blogolopolis, please pull it together by yourself. You don't need advisers, you don't need gurus, you don't need anyone but yourself to say the words we all need to remember: eat less and exercise more. Don't be duped by the smooth talkers and charlatans. Elvis's birthday draws near. Heed well the advice he sends from beyond!

If I get any more philosophical and theological, Rick Warren will invite me to take his place at the Inauguration!

Tomorrow: more lousy jokes and petty rants!