Castles Made of Sand

As I write this, I am looking forward to the premiere tonight on NBC (ding-DING-dong) of “Howie Did It,” starring Howie Mandel and his pranks.

Howie started out as a carpet salesman in Canada, and everyone told him he was so doggone funny, so he became a comedian and always seemed to bubble just beneath the peak of success in that field. I understand that show business is a puzzling little world in which one can make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, and still not be considered successful.

Robin Williams is considered successful, but to me, he is about as funny as last week’s grocery list. Nothing is worse than forced humor, and forcing is all Robin is about. All of his fake voices sound vaguely the same, and his observations seem wry but really aren’t. But he acts in movies, dolling himself up to play Mrs. Doubtfire or a teacher or a goofy doctor, and he always seems like the guy you work with who just can’t stop making with the banter at lunch, when all you want to do is chomp down on your Ramen noodles and maybe watch a little bit of Victor Newman’s latest. (These people are still trotting out Conehead jokes from 30 years ago!) But I am way down in the minority on this RW thing. Most people find him as funny as I find Albert Brooks, and most people don’t like Albert Brooks so much.

Howie Mandel used to do things such as performing in the round at one of those theaters with a revolving stage, and then, when someone left their seat to go to the bathroom, he’d have everyone in the arena get up and switch seats, so when the person came back, well, you get the rest. Or he’d cover up his head with a surgical glove! (Editor’s note: The man writing this also thinks that anything that Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera and their “Jackass” gang ever did is gut-bustingly hilarious.) For those who fancy hi-school hi-jinx, Howie once impersonated a member of the local school board where he was attending high school and hired a construction company to build an addition onto the school. That’s epic. (He was expelled by the really humorless members of the real school board.) And he was the creator and played several starring parts in the great cartoon “Bobby’s World.”

And Howie did some groundbreaking work in the area of introducing feminine hygiene products into the world of family comedy.

But, funny as he is, I guess he was tired of treading water when NBC offered him the slot as quizmaster on that dumb show where you guess which briefcase has a big pile of moolah. No skill, no knowledge, no brains, no judgment, no experience beyond daisy-petal picking is required. Howie gets a call from some game official off-stage and dickers with the contestant, whose family and friends shout encouragement while they furrow their brow and decide which briefcase holds their fortune (or lack thereof.) I just know that Howie, with his genius comedic mind, has a million clever comebacks and gags to share, but he is constrained by his employers to play it straight.

It’s like having Martha Stewart or Emeril Lagasse come over and offer to cook something, and all you ask them for is oatmeal. How odd that all Howie’s genius went comparatively unrewarded, while he is making money and garnering great fame hosting this TV giveaway show.

I think we know Howie did it. Can’t wait to see him do it!