The Terrorism of Toms River

Meanwhile, in New Jersey:

Former NY Met and NY Yankee ballplayer Todd Frazier checks in to report that he is the victim of terrorism.

I guess you'd have to call it domestic terrorism, because the perpetrators are a rafter of wild turkeys, estimated to number 40-60, parading around the town of Toms River, where he lives, waiting by the phone to see if he'll be hired by another team for next season.

(We call male turkeys, be they wild or Perdue, "toms" the same way we call male cats "tomcats." This deal with calling male animals "toms" dates back to Benjamin Franklin, which makes one wonder why he didn't propose calling them "bens." This has nothing to do with this story taking place in Toms River. We guess.)

Toms River has a section called Holiday City, which is where these gobblers are strutting around (they can run at 20 mph), blocking driveways, chasing people around, even making prank phone calls and ordering pizzas under phony names.

Frazier went on Twitter to say, "They have come close to harming my family and friends, ruined my cars, trashed my yard and much more." And he complained about "Toms River and the Toms River wildlife" not being empowered to force the birds to leave the area, and, in the manner of rich, well-known people everywhere, demanded that the governor get involved, because that's what being a state governor is all about.

"Animal control needs to step up and move these animals ASAP. State wildlife control needs to figure it out," Frazier tweeted.

Mr Frazier might be surprised to hear that humans share the land with all sorts of flora and fauna. Meanwhile, someone who does understand how things work is Larry Hajna, spokesperson for the Dept. of Environmental Protection.

Hajna said the Fish & Wildlife people are working with Holiday Citizen and the local homeowner’s association, but...

"The Division of Fish and Wildlife has offered to trap the birds but so far has not been granted access to a large enough open area to set traps," Hajna said on Friday.

So.  "Come fix this problem but stay off my land to do it."

We had one wild turkey on our deck years ago. Quite an impressive beast. I wasn't fast enough with my snare to be able to have him for dinner.