The Nicks of Time

The Baltimore Ravens have a defensive coordinator (coach) named Don Martindale.  Naturally, his nickname is "Wink" because of the deejay and game show host Wink Martindale, born Winston Martindale.

We tend to rubber-stamp nicknames. Just because of the comic strips, any guy with the surname Sawyer gets called "Buz," and everyone with the last name Mullins is "Moon."

(I'm going parenthetical to tell you that there was a country music pianist named Moon Mullican, and when Ernest Tubb had his producer, Owen Bradley, play piano on a record, he pointed out that Owen was only half as good as Moon by calling him "Half Moon. And ET had a guitarist in the band whose given name was Tommy Paige, but he was best known as "Butterball.)

Butterball.

At some point in their lives, everyone who works with radios and electronics is "Sparky," every tall guy is "Stretch," every tall, skinny guy is "Beanpole," or every big hugger is "Tiny" and every diminutive man is "Big Guy," just to change things around.

There are no acceptable nicknames for a woman who is tall or short or anything physically, trust me.

All bumbling law enforcement officers are "Barney Fife," people who nictitate excessively are "Blinky," people who dance clumsily are "Bushel Foot," and anyone who has dinged the fender on their car in the last six months is "Crash."

This is new - deflated names, like Jennifer Lopez becoming "JLo", and combined nicknames, such as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie being called "Brangelina," which always reminded me of Thumbelina, which is still not a good nickname for a very tiny woman.

Just ask 4th-grade Mark, or "Marky Mark," as I was called by my grandmother, a long time before the Mr Wahlberg took time out of his busy pants-dropping schedule to steal my nickname.  But all Marks go by that.