Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Get ready!

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James Orsen "Jim" Bakker, the disgraced televangelist who was married to the late Tammy Faye Bakker, sat weeping on television years ago while begging the audience to send him money to air condition their dog house. As he wailed, Tammy Faye's eye makeup washed down her face in little black rivulets that made her look for all the world like Alice Cooper.

Then Jim was caught paying off Jessica Hahn to keep her from talking about their dalliances, and sent up to prison for mail fraud. And no less an important person than Jerry Falwell called Bakker "a liar, an embezzler, a sexual deviant, and the greatest scab and cancer on the face of Christianity in 2,000 years of church history."

So, guess who's back in business? New wife (Lori Graham Bakker) and a whole new gimmick.  Gone is the prosperity ministry of the 1980s, when he assured his flock that by sending him enough money to build a religious amusement park called Heritage USA (now closed and being repurposed...the plan to build The World's Largest Wendy's and a go-kart track on the site fell through, though) they would follow him up the Heavenly Highway.

Dishes from Jim Bakker's 50-Day Survival Food bucket, clockwise from top: macaroni and cheese, creamy potato soup, chocolate pudding, chicken noodle soup.
Now Jim Bakker is selling something new...something tangible. Instead of a lofty vision, he is peddling freeze-dried "Survival Food" buckets that contain 154 meals for just $135.  

You see, Jim is sure that this is the generation that will experience the apocalypse and the rapture and the End of Days Of Our Lives. But as the precious last seconds tick away and FOX news goes wall-to-wall with live coverage (theme music: "I Told You So!") and your neighbors are in line for the last Chik-Fil-A sandwich ever made, you'll be all set, with these foods that you just add to boiling water..."Imagine — the world is dying and you're having a breakfast for kings," as Jim says.

This soup has an expiration date of June 2035.Just two things bother me.  A) if the world is coming to end, do we expect utility service to remain up?  How are we going to boil water to reconstitute this chicken noodle soup of his without gas or electricity?   and 2) Jim says the end is coming soon.  But this food has an expiration date of "Jun 2035."

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