Friday, November 20, 2015

He's no hero

The bland food options offered in federal prisons are unlikely to appetize the Subway pitchman.
Dinner is served...

When Jared Fogle was arrested earlier this year, Peggy and I looked at each in the same way that millions of others looked at it. We knew he was nerdy; we didn't figure on the pervy part.

But off he goes now for 15 years in the federal prison system, after committing sex crimes that would make both Caligula and Charlie Sheen cringe and shudder with dismay. 

There will be no Subway subs, no five-dollar foot loooooooongs, for Fogle until the year 2030.  The BMT will not be stopping by his cell.  As it said in the New York Daily News, "(t)he Federal Bureau of Prisons’ national menu only offers a bland buffet of daily options that make a Subway restaurant seem like five-star dining."

If you're new to the story, the sandwich chain was paying Fogle a king's ransom for advertising their products, since he said their turkey and veggie subs helped him pull down a 245-pound weight loss. Turns out he was pulling all our chains.

But in the Big House, he'll be served about 2,200 calories a day, more than he'd be getting on his old diet, and more than Dr Oz would recommend also.

But while he sits and stews and doesn't get to eat stew, it might be good if he beefs up a little more, because his attorney said in court that losing all that weight set off "insatiable hyper-sexuality." And what recourse does a hypersexual have, but to get into kiddie porn and sex with children?   

He'll be seeing a lot of bean soup and baked fish, boiled eggs and PB & Js for the next decade and a half.

I'm no expert in this matter, so all I can say is, if losing weight gets us all that worked up, maybe we all should keep our fat pants on. 

Poor Jared will be dressed in orange for fifteen years. I hope it seems to take 15 decades.

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