It's never too soon to start tryouts for the 2016 Summer Olympics, being held next August in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. One leading contender for the high jump team is Joseph Caputo, 22, of Stamford, Connecticut, who is appearing in federal court this morning after being arrested on Thanksgiving Day, a holiday he chose to celebrate by jumping the totally impenetrable fence surrounding the White House.
Always on the alert, the Secret Service dropped everything they were doing, and hauled young Caputo off to detention, shortly after he landed near Mrs Obama's vegetable patch, near where Sam Donaldson used to deliver his news reports while hoping his toupee would not blow off.
Caputo's the first to jump the fence by using his own two feet since spikes were added to the fence in order to make it completely unjumpable.
The Secret Service, reeling from a cascade of news stories about drunken agents smashing up patrol cars and consorting with prostitutes, was quick to claim credit for tackling Caputo, and also wants us to know that the blimps that used to fly over Northeast Maryland only allowed one mailman from Florida to land on the White House grounds in a gyro-copter. Later, one of the blimps decamped, and the other deflated quicker than the Ravens' playoff chances.
Apparently believing this to be a suicide mission, Caputo left behind a note reading, in part, "Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around us who transform into the Force."
I'm told that this is a reference to "Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith." I wouldn't know anything about that. I will shuffle off to Buffalo not having a second of my life invested in any Star Wars movie, anything to do with Star Trek, or Indiana Jones, or an pasted-together teen zombie romance with brooding pasty-faced romantic teen zombies.
Nor will you find me in DC wearing the American flag as a cape, carrying a flash drive in the shape of a Captain American shield, weightlifting gloves, or a pocket guide to the Constitution, all things Caputo had on his person when he leaped into history.
However, if I am apprehended and charged with aggravated pluralism, I can explain it if I am carrying a bag with CDs by Enya, Adele and Yo-Yo Ma. Trust me; they are gifts.