Friday, February 6, 2015

"And if the cops show up, we'll just say YOU were driving! It can't go wrong!"

Lance Armstrong, sitting atop a pile of money he took from good-hearted people who thought they were supporting an honest man who never ever took any drugs or anything to help him be a better bicyclist, must look around at all the newfound sports villains with a sneer.

"Belichick is just a nasty man, deeply introverted but basically just driven to succeed through whatever quasi-legal means are at hand. Marshawn Lynch doesn't want to talk to the press, well, neither does Harper Lee; she never has and it only contributes to her legacy. Tonya Harding didn't have the nerve to do her foul deed and hired a legbreaker.  Robert Irsay? Just a capitalist whose own mother called him the devil, but he was only out for the money. Mike Tyson said he wanted to eat another boxer's children, but settled for a bite of Evander Holyfield's ear, a mere hors d'oeuvre."

Of course, my supposition of the thoughts of Armstrong is just a guess.  I doubt that he ever read "To Kill A Mockingbird," and if he did, he probably picked it up thinking it was a poultry cookbook.

Armstrong's latest stunt, after his long string of lies and deceit and walking out on woman after woman and child after child after child, took place in December.  All the money he took in from those yellow rubber bands that he peddled (pedaled?) has landed him in Aspen, Colorado, with his latest squeeze, one Anna Hansen.  The two lovebirds attended a party in late December, and clean-living, All-American boy Lance got a little schnockered, it would seem, before he got the behind the wheel of an SUV, which he promptly ran into two parked vehicles.

And then he let Hansen take the blame, until a police who had been on the force for probably 20 minutes saw through the story. The valet parking guy at the hotel where the party was held said Lancey-boy was driving when the couple left, and now Hansen admits she lied in order to protect her boyfriend and avoid national attention.

Not that there's anything funny about this, but Lance now finds himself living with a woman who said that she did not know that the law requires her to stop after plowing her car into other people's property, or other people.  And here is her rationale: "And, um, you know we’ve had our family name smeared over every paper in the world in the last couple of years and honestly, I’ve got teenagers, I just wanted to protect my family because I thought, ‘Gosh, Anna Hansen hit some cars, it’s not going to show up in the papers, but Lance Armstrong hit some cars, it’s going to be a national story.’”

She's got teenagers, so she feels it's important to show them the proper example, such as fleeing the scene of a crime and being involved in a coverup.

All we need now is for Lance to go on The Oprah Winfrey Network and admit to it all, while wearing a yellow rubber band and that Alfred E. Neuman smile of his.

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