Thursday, September 15, 2011

Ring Me Up

Chances are, I'm the last to adapt to change.  Eventually, I get around to doing things the new modern way, but I don't see myself ever becoming one who does all his shopping online.  

It's just too doggone confusing!

I like to buy pants  and shirts from L.L. Beano or Ed E. Bauer.  My sox, I can find most anywhere where red sox are available, and boxer shorts are not too tough to find.  But I like cotton shirts and pants - no polyester, wool, nylon or naugahyde needs to adorn me.  

But even when I go online to try to order, everything gets all balled up.  Just the other day, I selected a pair of pants (casual, men's big 'n' tall, in the fashionable "sand" color) and clicked on them to add them to my "shopping cart."  Perhaps the fact that the shopping cart is only a figment of the imagination added to the mix.  

The website gave me this cryptic instruction in red:  PLEASE MAKE ALL SELECTIONS BEFORE ADDING TO SHOPPING CART

As Principal Skinner would say, "What th' ?"  

How does one make all the selections without adding all the selections to the shopping cart?  That would be like going around the Groceries 'R' Us store and making mental notes of everything you want, and then going to the register with an empty cart and telling the cashier, "I need a can of Manning's hominy, grated cheese, diced tomatoes, and a large bag of kibble."  

And of course, just like when you go to Macy's and absolutely nothing costs what it says on the price tag ("Take 66 2/3% off our already low, low marked price"), you don't expect to pay for online merchandise at the rate quoted.  There is often a promo code that, when entered properly, reduces the tab by a certain percentage.  The code they tell you to enter is always something vaguely cryptic, such as "Enter code BUYMOREMOREMORE" or "UDAMNFOOL" to see your low, low price. 

So I give up and call the 800 number, which gives me the chance to talk to a real live human, usually with a southern accent, which allows me to talk about how I love it down there where the magnolias blossom and the pecans grow in the loamy soil.  From there on, we swap pecan pie recipes, I order pants, and everyone is happy.

Show me a website that makes everyone happy!  Can't be done.

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