Pat McButtocks

Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson, the dimwitted former preacher whose goofy image leers out of a few tv screens every morning on the television, took his nickname from his childhood.  His older brother Willis would pat the little baby on his cheeks, saying "pat pat pat" as he did.

Whatchoo talking about, Willis?  I think he must have patted the baby a little too hard, so let's not be real rough on Pat Robertson, who has made a fortune taking money in the name of the Lord, so that he could operate tv networks and shows that feature his nutty views, such as:

• His belief in Dominionism, which says that conservative Christians have the right to rule and run our government under biblical law.  This would be tough on guys such as I, who often covet our neighbor's ox (Commandment #7).
• His bragging that it was his prayers in 1985 that made Hurricane Gloria change course, rather than making landfall in Virginia Beach, where Robertson's CBN network was beaming reruns of "The Life of Riley" to its dozens of viewers nationwide.
• His book "The New World Order" claimed that a conspiracy exists between Masons and some people called the Illuminati, a group of Masons and Jewish bankers.  Perry Mason, Derrick Mason,  Mason Williams and the Mason-Dixon line are all involved.  Pat knows.
• His statement that the cracks that appeared in the Washington Monument are "a sign" from God that the end times are upon us.  Similarly, the jovial man of God said, right after the Haitian earthquake, that the people of Haiti made a pact with the Devil and are being cursed for it, and also he said that Hurricane Katrina was the result of legal abortion.
• His joint comment, with the always humorous Jerry Falwell, that the events of 9/11/01 were something we deserved for our tolerance of secularism, gays, abortion, feminists and pagans.

But now the wheels have really come off of old Pat's wagon.  I really don't know how this got out, because frankly I don't know anyone who watches his show, but apparently he, an ordained Southern Baptist sinbuster, gave the go-ahead to some poor man, whose wife is suffering from Alzheimer's Disease, to go ahead and divorce her and "start over again."  A guy called the show and said "his friend" was in this situation (and Pat didn't see through that?) and had begun stepping out on his wife.   

"I know it sounds cruel, but if he's going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again - but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her," Robertson said.

Oh, Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson!  It's not just that it sounds cruel, but that it IS cruel!  And then the woman whose job it is to sit next to this maniac tried to help him out of the ditch he dug with his oversized mouth.  Terry Meeuwsen asked the old goofball about whether Christian marriage vows - to care for one another "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health" - still applied.

"If you respect that vow, you say 'til death do us part,'" Robertson said, adding that Alzheimer's "is a kind of death."  

I'm here right now to tell you, I'll stand by Peggy every second of her life, and wouldn't think of doing anything like this.  And I'm just an ordinary man, with Christian beliefs that I don't try to force on anyone.  You have to hand it to Robertson.  As the only man in America who looks more like Alfred E. Neuman that George W. Bush, "Pat" Robertson leads the league in hypocrisy and foolishness.  

An old sky pilot once told me, "God never told anyone to be stupid."  

Pat?  Did you hear that?