Friday, March 11, 2011

May I have your attention, please?

In the later years of elementary school, we had a kid in our class named "Teddy."  Teddy would do absolutely anything to get attention, and in the time-honored fashion of elementary schoolers, we would suggest things for him to do.  Take the lid off a Dixie Cup of ice cream and rub vanilla ice cream all over your pants?  Sure!  Draw pictures of enormous monster lizards eating the teacher with fire and sparks coming out of the mouth (the lizard's mouth, that is!)?  No problem!  Light entire matchbooks on fire in the boys' room?  Every day!

Why are they here?
But I had forgotten about Teddy until recently, when Peggy and I, through the magic of DVR'ing, became regular viewers of "The Talk," the afternoon gabfest on CBS starring Julie Chen, Holly Robinson Peete, Sara Gilbert, Leah Remini and the irrepressible Sharon Osbourne.  Now, Sharon's career in show biz is based on someone else's - her husband, the stolid, phlegmatic rock 'n' roll star Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy's music has never struck a chord with me, so it would take a lot for his former manager Sharon to be a favorite, but here is how she is just like Teddy: She will do anything to turn the attention to herself.  In any situation, it all comes back to her.  I mean, they could have Stephen Hawking on their set talking about his ideas about  gravitational singularities in the framework of general relativity, and his theoretical prediction that black holes should emit radiation,and Sharon would sit there, you could just see her burning to get that camera right on her and her alone, and suddenly she would holler, "Ozzy and I did it twice last night on the dining room table as the children watched in 'orror!"  and everyone would giggle and say, "Oh, that Sharon!" 

But that's not even what I was thinking about today. On the show the other day, they had John Stamos talking about a charity he is involved with that helps women who are considering abandoning their babies by rescuing the children.  Clearly, this is a good cause.  But, I am not kidding you - the man sat there and said this OUT LOUD:

"You know, you won't believe this, but I was an ugly baby!"

And the women on the stage and in the audience gasped in horror, as if he had announced plans to go join some cult or something.  Imagine!  John Stamos, ugly!  Even John Stamos had to chortle at the impossibility of it all!  Hah hah hah!  What a nutty thing to say.  And then, because so much of this show revolves around motherhood, they had to show Stamos's mother sitting in the crowd.  Hosannas rang from the assemblage as they thanked her for the gift of John, and she haltingly admitted that John might not always have been as adorable as when he rose to prominence as "Blackie" in "General Hospital."

Then out came Scott Wolf, who used to be popular on "Party of Five," which was written by people who wanted you to think there could be men who would dump Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Scott sat basking in the adoration of cast and audience,  displayed his flashing teeth (so white, they looked like neon lights)  and actually sat there and said this OUT LOUD:    
"Is this the most HANDSOME show you've ever done?"

So, not judging here, but I offer this advice to anyone planning a trip to Los Angeles or any other show business mecca:
Do not try to get between John Stamos and his mirror.  Same with Scott Wolf.  Guys... please!  You're actors! Do you think you could just act modest for a while?

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