Friday, March 18, 2011

If life were like a sitcom

If our real lives were like the thirty-minute situation comedies we so enjoy on the television, then:
  • we would all be perfectly attractive people*
  • *except for our bumptious best friends, who would be slightly pudgy, ill-groomed and indolent
  • we would always be hanging around with our buddies and galpals
  • everything we said would be a witty bon mot or a well-timed quip
  • we'd quote Kerouac and Thackeray with poise but intentionally misattribute the original saying to Linus from Peanuts so as to play down our book-learnin'
  • no one would work nights, weekends, holidays or snow days
  • work would be just a place where we'd go to have mean bosses, inane coworkers, and giant offices: you know, places to make inappropriate comments and get away with it
  • even the youngest and least well-paid would live in huge apartments with large kitchens and plenty of room for mood-setting posters
  • parents and relatives would always be from some backwater hick town, but would show up and seem to embarrass us with their lack of sophistication, only to become beloved by our big-city buddies and forgiving of our short-sightedness after they solve a problem with their folksy wisdom
  • there would be haphazard hookups, meaningless couplings, and unsanctified congresses between any number of randy participants, but the only thing getting unzippered would be zippers.  No emotional attachments would follow from any of this*
  • * except every now and then, someone's feelings would be hurt, and after a suitable period of self-reflection, she would come to see that she hurt Brad just as Jack hurt her, and she would then vow to see her sexuality in a more adult light
  • no meal would be prepared or consumed at home with but two exceptions: "Fixing a Romantic Meal for a New Boyfriend or Girlfriend," which always involves salad and pasta and never Hamburger Helper, and the always-good-for-a-laugh "Having the Boss over for Dinner and Burning the Roast" scenario 
  • any and all problems would be solved in 23 minutes

Tomorrow, let's talk about who will play YOU in the sitcom of your life.  For myself, I'm down to Drew Carey on stilts or Randy Quaid on Prozac.

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