Do you think your ex still wants to be with you?
I'll tell you what, let's call her up down at the old folks home and ask her!
Has a girlfriend ever put alcohol/drugs before you?
There were a couple who needed to be pretty shahfazzed to go out with me, but otherwise, no.
Do you honestly have feelings for someone at the moment?
Yes I do. Hi, Peggy!
Do you like when people call you things like "baby", "sweetie", "hun", etc?
It just means they can't remember my real name, buddy!
Let's say you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
I would need to call a certain urologist and see how long the warranty is on his vasectomies.
Will this Friday be a good one?
No. Good Friday takes place right before Easter. Next Friday will be a splendid one, though.
What's wrong with you right now?
If I had a nickel for every time I have heard that question. What's wrong with you??? asked parents, teachers, friends, wife, the guy at the body-and-fender repair shop...
Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?
I am happy. I don't see any point in being otherwise. I figure, if you're not enjoying this life, when are you going to start?
Are you wasting your time on someone?
Time spent with people one cares about is never wasted.
What's the most important part of a relationship, in your opinion?
As a successful contestant in a 37-year marriage, I have to say there are many things that make for a good relationship, but the presence of trust and the absence of jealousy have to be at the top.
Where do you wish you were right now?
See, now here's the thing. Too much wishing, not enough fishing. As the great sage Marv Levy, former coach of the Buffalo Bills, put it, "Where else would you rather be than right here, right now?" Enjoy what you're doing, plan to do new things in new places if that's what you want, but don't spend too much time in "A" wishing you were at "B," be my advice.
When's the last time you cried yourself to sleep?
It never happened.
Is it okay to kiss people when you're single?
OK, well there are kisses and there are kisses, and there are hugs and there are hugs. The first kind of either is fine. And you know the difference right in your heart.
Have you ever broken anyone's heart?
Yes, but it was because I stayed, not because I left.
Have you ever been in a perfect relationship?
The one that began in June, 1973, seems to be doing pretty well, yes!
Is there a person that will always have a place in your heart?
Many people and the list can always grow.
Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment?
I am not in control of my emotions to a point where I can tell myself not to like someone I like, or not to dislike someone I find loathsome.
Does someone like you right now?
Yes. Peggy has indicated a certain depth of affection that bids fair to last for several centuries.
Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
This being the USA in the year 2010, why not just say, "Do you know anyone?" Of course I know some heads, but I let them go do their thing without me. A lot of the time, they're just blowing smoke.
Are you nice to the people you dislike?
I can be civil. Is that OK? Civil and professional as required, I can do that, but I am the worst actor in the world, save Jim Belushi, so I can't fake anything.
Do you have someone you can spill your heart out to?
What are you excited for?
Every single moment of every single day!
Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends?
Married to her.
Honestly, what's on your mind?
All right, since you asked...I was wondering why my favorite band, Love, from the 60's never reached greater success or commercial appeal. They did everything well, but perhaps the eccentricities and criminal tendencies of their leader, Arthur Lee, did them in.
Your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say?
"Do you need a ride back to the home?"
Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
Sure, we all miss people who have left our lives in various ways. But I like to think of how their lives enriched mine, and figure we'll meet again someday somewhere.
Is there a person that you would do absolutely anything and everything for?
Many. If you're reading this, you may very well be one of them.
Have you ever really been in love?
Would you rather date someone who is extremely protective or not protective at all?
Protective is good, but some people step right over the line from protective to possessive and jealous, and then it's time to scram.
Are you a jealous person?
I sure try not to be, and I don't think I am.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
Literally on someone? Couldn't give you a bigger 'no' on that one.
What's something you really want right now?
A suede jacket with fringe, and an autographed picture of Randolph Mantooth.
What was the first thing you did this morning?
And then I got dressed and went to get us some breakfast.
Who ya 'tappin'?
The shoulder of the person ahead of me in the line at the MVA. That's what you meant, right?
What is the highlight of your year so far?
It's a tie among all the times that Peggy has smiled at me.
Are relationships ever worth it?
Yes, I think they are. I find that it's amazing to strike up a friendship with someone you have known for many years, and the same goes for someone you just met. I love people; I guess it shows.
So, doing much tonight?
Watched the O's....cooked dinner...filled out a survey...
Whats your last text message say? Who's it from?
Talking to a police friend about a new dispatcher and asking him to keep an ear out for her on the radio, since she's also a friend.
So you're at a party, and some random grabs your ass. You react by..?
Turning around and saying, "Hey! Some dude just grabbed Dick Cheney!"
Are you single?
No siree Bob!
Because I took one look at Peggy and the thunderclap from heaven told me to marry her as quickly as possible.
Do you like that?
It's the best thing I have ever done.
Do you like where you live?
Uh yeah, we chose to live here. I was a little nervous one day because the new guy moving in down the street looked a lot like Bill Cowher, and I thought, great, there goes the neighborhood.
What's the first thing you thought about the person you like?
Gee, what a pretty girl.
Your best friend's name?
Sunrise or Sunset?
I like either one, but please don't try to interest me in driving someplace to see either one in person.
Coke or pepsi?
I gave up soda for water, but I was quite the avid Coke consumer.
Ever been in a verbal fight?
I am a man of obdurate stubbornness when opinions are being tossed around, so I'll go a round or two.
What about physical?
Yes but not for many years. That sort of thing loses its appeal past one's teen years, unless one is Mel Gibson or some other jackass.
Ever been in trouble with the police?
"Ever been convicted of a felony?"
You lost your virginity in what year?
Yes, I did. You should have been there. Maybe you were. Are you blond, with sort of a lisp and a giggle?