Sunday, March 7, 2010

I love these quizzes

Have you ever been hit in the face and there was a mark left behind?
No. Who am I , Tommy Boy?

Are you chewing on any non-food object right now?
I never chew the inedible!

When pizza is ordered, how many slices do you usually eat?
I'm good for three, maybe four.

Is there any ashtray near you?
I haven't needed an ashtray for almost 22 years, so no.

Does cold spaghetti sound delicious?
NO! And no one I know would eat cold bisketti. So why then do so many people go crazy for noodle salad? I don't get that.

Do you stutter much?
The former DJ in me would not approve, but I'll admit to an occasional stutter, stammer, hedge or hesitation.

Do you have a basement in your house?
Yes and the crazy thing is, it's the warmest spot in the house in winter and the coolest in summer. I keep saying we ought to move the bed down there!

What about an attic?
I stuck my head up there's a barren place of rafters and insulation.

When's the last time you said a word that made you sound intelligent?
I don't believe this has ever happened.

Do you prefer hoodies or cardigans?
I'm all over the hoody, all winter. As with all of my outerwear, I only require that they be one of the various colors of mud.

Do you hang out with people who are homosexual?
Yes, and with heterosexuals, bisexuals and asexuals. Since I'm not going to have sex with anyone but Peggy, what other people choose to do could not concern me less. And it is a shame that so many people are still so hung up about this stuff.

If so, have you lost other friends because of that?
If someone were to say they cannot be my friend any longer because I have some other friend who is GLBT, that person is not worth befriending.

Have you ever been to a protest?
Hi, I'm Mark, and I'm from the 60's. Next?

Have you ever been involved in a riot?
Can't tell you how many times people have said to me, "You're a riot!" so I guess, yes.

Do you use shaving cream or soap when you shave?
Shaving cream from Dollar Tree...whatever they have. You're not going to worry about a face like mine with your fancy gels and lotions.

Is alcoholism popular in your family?
Interesting choice of word..."popular" as if people were voting for their favorite disease. But the answer is no.

Do you have cousins/aunts/uncles/siblings that you do not know?
The family is small, so I know all the extant members. Whether or not they claim me is another matter!

What was your last Christmas like?
Christmas is always my favorite time of the year. The fact that we had snow on the ground and chilly air made it all the sweeter. The fact that I had Peggy by my side with snow on the ground and chilly air made it the sweetest.

Has your stomach ever hurt so bad you had to go to the ER?
No, but when I was thirteen I had a series of mystery maladies and was supposed to die in the hospital. They sent in a priest for the last rites and I said, "Whoa, I'm not Catholic." So he sat down and we just talked for a while. Then I didn't die, but I will some day.

Have you ever ran from the cops?
OK, Mr Fussy has to point out that the person who wrote this quiz should be on the run from the grammar police. The answer is no, but I have been known to run with them!

Do you have sharp canine teeth?
not especially.

McDonald's: yummy or icky?
Friends, if we lived in world where nothing was harmful and all foods were as good for you as a big steamin' pile o' broccoli, I would consume Big Macs, Fish Filets and Egg McMuffins with great avidity. But we don't live in that world. More's the pity.

Do you like the taste of beer?
Is Sarah Palin ill-informed, ill-spoken and ill-qualified to hold any higher office than the city council in some goldrush hick town? Yahoo!

Are you interested in psychology?
Hmmm. I wonder what they meant by that.

Name three things you want to do before you die.
Retire happily, visit Graceland, and learn to whistle by putting two fingers up to my mouth.

Have you ever ran concessions?
Again with the past participle of "run", eh? Yes, I have sold sodas, beer, hot dogs, and I have made many concessions in my life as well. But not in the area of grammar.

Did you ever draw on your backpack when you were in school?
I drew on my cunning, my vast reserve of double-entendre jokes, funny names to use when signing an attendance roster ("Dick Hertz") and I often drew detention for claiming to be Dick Hertz.

How often do you wake up completely exhausted?
Uh, never? What's the point of sleep if not to refresh and renew? I am that person who wakes up ready to roll.

What do you usually doodle?
Rough cartoons of Dick Cheney shooting someone in the face.

Name a memory in which you were surprised.
Most of them. Things always surprise me.

What scent is your favorite from Bath and Body Works?
You know, I don't know the answer to this, but I will suggest to the good people at B & BW, Yankee Candle and all the other companies who seek to re-scent the nation that they ought to consider aromas such as "Sweet Onion roasting with butter and Worcestershire Sauce", "Baked Potato" and "English Leather" to their spring lines.

Did you ever ride the school bus?
On days when there was nothing else better to do than attend school. Frankly, I don't know why they still have school buses running. Every single kid seems to be chauffeured to and from school daily.

What was the last thing you washed?
My face.

You can only eat soup or sandwiches for the rest of your life. Which do you choose?
Sandwiches. BLTs for three meals a day would suit me fine.

Would you be interested in studying insects?

Have you ever had a fight with your boss?
Having been a boss and having also been bossed, I have been in fights both ways. It's never fun.

What is inside of your favorite breakfast burrito?
Egg, bacon, cheddar cheese.

Have you ever seen a ghost?
I don't believe in them, so no.

Is there a tv in the room you're in now?
No but I wish there were!

Do you look at roadkill on purpose when you pass it?
No, because I have this crazy habit of looking at the road ahead while I drive. So if a mastodon carcass is right ahead of me, I will see that.

Cosmic brownies, yay or nay?
I don't know what cosmic brownies are. I like the fudgy brownies, not the cakey kind. If you want the cakey kind, why not just make a chocolate cake?

Do you rummage through the $5 movie bin at walmart every time?
Without fail. I have found a few gems in there, e.g. "The Big Hit" starring "Mark E. Mark" Wahlberg.

Ever tried a smore with strawberry syrup instead of chocolate?
Not a smore eater. I avoid marshmallow.

Do you have an account on youtube?
Yes so I can subscribe to these channels where people post old-skool country songs.

Any upcoming movies coming to theaters you are looking forward to?
Sorry to say, I have given up on movie theaters. It would take a huge exception to get us in one. To sit there among phones ringing, people chattering, chomping on ten-dollar chicken tenders...forget it. If it's any good we'll see it on ppv or get the DVD. One exception, of course, would be a new installment in the Jackass canon.

When you're out of hotdog buns, do you just use bread?
I'd prefer to have them in tortilla wraps in the first place.

Do you prefer steamed white rice or fried rice with the carrots and stuff?
Any rice is great. Ray Rice is fantastic.

Did you ever own a light bright?
All of my lights are bright, but this reminds me of Dorothy Parker's review of a play called "The House Beautiful"...she said " 'The House Beautiful' is the play awful."

Ever run a red light?
Only with lights and sirens going.

When you're at the theater, how much butter do you ask for on popcorn?
Son, that isn't butter!

Have you ever seen a ufo?

Do you or a family member have a bread machine?
We have one. We use it all the time, primarily to hold room under the kitchen cabinet for the yogurt machine that we plan to get.

Are you a facebook stalker?
No. I will look for old friends etc but I don't obsess.

Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?
Of course I have. They're everywhere, aren't they? They walk past us in the malls, drive by in their do you know what anyone does for a living?

Wouldn't it be cool to bend spoons with your mind?
Yeah, that's a skill the world needs. And what would we do with all these bent spoons?

If you were a superhero, what would be your superhero name?
Barack O. Bama.

Do you enjoy watching cops?
It was better in the old days when they would go into ratty domiciles and you'd see shirtless beer-holding people who were NOT surprised to see police in their house!

Do you jog?
Just my memory.

What movie is this line from? "stop that rhyming now, i mean it!":
That's from "Robert Louis Stevenson: The Musical"

Have you ever seen a stage musical?

Does your cell phone have a screen protector?
Yes. A little sheet of plastic.

Were you ever a girlscout or boyscout?
BSA Troop 742, aye aye.

Ever been to chicago?

What about london, england?
Yeah, what about London, England?

Or barcelona, spain?

Or even paris, france?
still no

Is there a celebrity you like to follow?
Garrison Keillor and Dick Cheney.

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