Oh hear my tale of woe

 Say, how would you like to be famous? I mean, not just known in the neighborhood for handing out dog treats to every passing hound, but really show-biz famous like this Robert Pattinson, an actor in no movie I ever saw.

But lots of people took my place and saw him in most of his dozens of movies. I know he played an ashy-faced guy in the Twilight movies, and I know he must be English because he has two middle names. They must have a lot of time over there to paste monikers like Robert Douglas Thomas Pattinson on a baby.

I would like to think that, given an extra ten minutes to fill out my birth certificate, my parents would have given me an extra name like "Tito" or "Leon," but they ran out of time.

Anyway, Pattinson is a big star in the world and people in his shoes get lots of email and mail mail and messages from their fans. I imagine it can be a hassle, having fans chase after you with offers of undying love as they tear your clothes off. But he seems to be a practical man, because - in his words:

You see what he did there? He pulled back the velvet rope that some of us have to separate us from the rich and famous, and let the fan see that it's not all that great to walk around all pasty-faced and handsome all the time.

I would love to see his list of kvetches (a term for a constant flow of gripes, from the Yiddish word kvetshn, meaning "to squeeze or press") but I would imagine it's  basically similar to everyone's list, just that the cold coffee that bothers him, or the car that broke down, are a lot more expensive than yours or mine.