Check This Out

I speak to you today as a former (long ago) professionally trained grocery store cashier, and I am here to tell you, I don't like to use the self-checkout lines anywhere. 

It's all they seem to have in some stores, or next to all they have, as one solitary plugger pounds on the keys in one of the lanes. There is always a long line there, and you feel like you could save time by just doing it yourself.

But you can't, because sure as sugar, some item will be a stranger to the system, and the register will not recognize it, and the machine will bleat "Please wait for help," and someone will eventually saunter over with the magic swipe card on a little pulley attached to their apron, regard you with a look of frank disgust, and set everything right again with a few key keystrokes. 

I don't like the whole deal. No surprise here, I like to talk to people, and the machine will not talk to me except to say, in a rather arch tone, "Please place your purchases in the BAGGING area," the same way a young parent tells little Pequod not to stick his fork in the electric outlet.

I've never had the nerve to try this one, but I want to show up with some highly personal self-care item and have the machine say, "Please move your OINTMENT to the bagging area."

Ointment is the funniest word in the world. Spread it around.