*What Do I Know About Potatoes

It's no secret we pranksters always keep the same sort of gags loaded and ready to go. 

Like answering the phone and saying, "You don't say!" four or five times before hanging up, and then, when someone asks who was on the phone, going, "They didn't say!"

And the time-honored fake French is always a good one. Actually, you use real French, but you say the wrong words.

Let's say you're at a nice dinner party and the host and hostess wheel out a magnificent spread. Everyone ooohs and ahhhhs, but if you want to seem like a truly experienced good-time guy, just say, "Ma voiture n'a pas de marche arrière." Only those who have actually hung out in a French car repair shop will know that you actually said, "My car has no reverse gear."

"Le livre est sur le bureau" (the book is on the desk) is just the right string of words to say, with a vaguely European accent, when someone wants to invite you over for pinochle.

I'm telling you, you can't go wrong by sounding foreign. Notice how many ads for cleaning fluids and copper frying pans are voiced by people with British accents, because we traditionally associate spotless kitchen surfaces and non-stick egg frying with guys who talk like Michael Caine.

It's for this reason that smart restaurant operators know that if you sling a plate of french-fried potatoes, the best you can charge is $4.95 as a side dish, but if you label them pommes frites (literally, fried potatoes) the sky is the limit on how badly you can bilk the public.   

Above, regard the most expensive plate o' fries in the world, according to the Guinness World Record people.

If you find yourself tying on the feedbag at Serendipity3 on Manhattan's Upper East Side, you'll shell out two hundred bucks for this plate. They call it Creme de la Creme Pommes Frites, a plate of fries listed for just $200.

They probably don't charge extra for catsup, but I would check first.

This Wednesday the 13th, the world will pause and take a dip in celebration of National French Fry Day.

So here is what you need to get 200 semolians for fries (besides a lot of nerve):  Chipperbeck potatoes, Dom Perignon Champagne, J. LeBlanc French Champagne Ardenne Vinegar, cage-free goose fat from France, Guerande Truffle Salt, truffle oil, Crete Senesi Pecorino Tartufello cheese, shaved black summer truffles from Italy, truffle butter, organic A2 A2 100% grass fed cream from Jersey Cows, Gruyere Truffled Swiss Raclette and a topping of 23-karat edible gold dust.

I have always insisted that my goose fat be cage-free, but I don't know that I have ever sprinkled edible gold dust on my chow.

I think I would rather have a nice hot shovelful of spuds from Burger King than have them swimming in grass-fed cream, but, "¿Que sais-je des pommes de terre?"*