Thursday, March 27, 2014

You're breaking me up here

There are dozens of reasons why I am such a happy man.

One of them is that I never got into the habit of adopting a heavy foreign accent when I use words such as "mozzarella," "hors d'oeuvres," and "Rafael Palmeiro." And for those who do, those who talk about pizza cheese by calling it "mooootcerell', " I wonder why you don't apply an English accent to the words "Winston Churchill" or a regional American Southern twang to "Jerry Lee Lewis."

Here's another reason.  You could go broke if I had to pay you a nickel for every Gwyneth Paltrow movie I have ever seen.  If she's your cup of tea, fine by me, but she seems a bit on the...haughty....side to me.  

She could have done this!
Now comes word that she and her husband, Chris Martin of the band Coldplay (don't look for any nickels from me on that account either!) have broken up.  Well, when people who live on Earth decide to stop being married to each other, that's what we Earthlings say: They "broke up."  They "went to Splitsville."  Someone "got dumped," "got the ax," "got a can tied to him."

Up in the clouds where the Paltrows among us dwell, here's what they say: 

We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children (Note: they named their children Apple and Moses) and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

"Consciously uncouple."  I have to tell you a story from many years ago, when I worked at 911 and one of my tasks was preparing tapes of phone calls to 911 and radio transmissions of emergency responders for use in trials and other hearings.  An attorney called to get a copy of the call his client made to 911 from his house. The man had hit another car, but went home to call the police, rather than remaining at the scene of the crash.  Accordingly, he was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.  His mouthpiece figured that anyone who heard the distress in the man's voice as he called 911 would realize how upset he was, and understand why he went on home.  I asked the plea peddler why the man didn't just stay at the scene, and the answer will ring forever in the annals of American jurisprudence:

"My client had to go home because he suffered an act of involuntary defecation."

And really, who hasn't?

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