Ford has a car that allows you to set a governor on the speed so little Egbert or Juanita can't go doing 110 mph in the Focus.
If you order from Domino's, you can log the progress of your pizza, from cold lump of dough to hot stuff in your hands, right on the pc. Their "Pizza Tracker" will even tell you who is making your pizza pie, and then it will tell you the name of the high school guy or former Chief Financial Officer of a major mortgage firm who is loading it into his car for the ride to your hacienda.
If you're waiting on a package from FedEx, no need to call the warehouse and ask Carl, the night watchman, to go down and see if your package from Whoville is sitting there waiting to be delivered, or what. Just go online and check to see exactly where your "Jim Nabors: Mayberry Memories" DVD box set is currently.
Modern Technology! It's wonderful! Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak and all the others involved in computers foresaw this brave new world, and their vision and intelligence made it come true for us.
So now that these pressing needs have been met, how about letting today's (or tomorrow's, no rush) big brains get to work on some other things this old world needs, such as:
- a new kind of top for those little lunch-sized fruit cups that are so darned handy, yet unleash a stream of apricot or pineapple juice when opened. And then all afternoon as I parade around the office, I hear people asking who is wearing Del-Monte cologne.
- a phone answering device that automatically makes flippant remarks when one of those Salespeople Who Assure You They Are Selling Nothing calls to sell you something. If I'm busy, or eating, or busily eating, it's not always convenient for me to pick up the phone and make my own flippant remarks.
- Some method - there must be one! - of making Peggy enjoy Zooey Deschanel a little tiny bit.
- A way to talk the good people at Mrs Paul's seafood into making their Seafood Platter frozen dinner again. They stopped making it, I don't know, 20 years ago, but what a meal it was! A couple of frozen shrimp, a scallop or two, a fish filet and a mystery fishcake, and a hearty helpin' of Tater Tots®, and that was supper, Mister! And the box had a picture of the meal all cooked up and sitting on a plate with a thin slice of lemon, but the fine print quickly reminded you that this was a "Serving Suggestion," so in other words, don't be looking for a frozen lemon slice in the box. You will only know disappointment if you do.
- An opposite-alarm clock. Stick with me a second. You know how you have the alarm clock set to go off in the morning to tell you it's time to get up for work? What's the first thing you say every morning? OK, what's the second thing you say? "I shoulda gone to bed earlier! Oh Lord, I am so tired!" Right? So, my device would start ringing like crazy, seven hours before it's set to go off in the morning, so if you get up at 6, this clock will sound off at 11 PM, reminding you to get yourself in the sack. Otherwise, you'll sit around until 1:30, quarter to 2, watching "CSI" reruns and missing out on valuable snoozulation. No wonder you're so tired all the time!